Hello Boss "cough cough"...It's me...

Let’s set a familiar scene.  It’s 6:20 am on a Monday.  Your alarm has gone off twice, and you’ve hit snooze both times.  You’re lying in your bed and your head is pounding like someone just hit it with a frying pan.  You have to be at work by 7:30 and all you want to do is cover your head with a pillow, throw the alarm clock across the room and close your eyes to escape the throbbing pain in your frontal lobe.  To do this however, you will have to do the one thing that many people hate doing...you will have to call in sick. 

For some people, calling in sick is no big deal.  Some people hardly ever take a sick day, so their boss understands that if they are calling in, they must really be feeling under the weather.  Many companies have policies that allow you to do so, procedures that will ensure that your position is filled and some managers actually appreciate it when an employee calls in sick, as it likely averts a flu-pandemic in the workplace that can cost tens of thousands of dollars in lost productivity in a single year.   For other people however, well it’s not so cut and dry.  So for those people who find themselves lying in bed trying to decide what to do, below are a few tips that might help you.

#1 – DON’T GET SICK

If you missed my last blog post about the flu shot, now would be a great time to read it.  If you are “one of those” people that refuse to get the flu shot, please do other things that will help keep you healthy.   Eat well, take vitamins, wash your hands and stay away from sick people.  Not getting sick is the best away to avoid having to call in sick.

#2 – GET SOME SLEEP

Calling in sick because you are too tired to wake up is simply unacceptable.  Let’s face it, morning comes at the same time every day.  If you don’t get the proper amount of sleep, or if you go out partying 3 times a week you are not going to be a morning person.  Yet mornings are when most jobs start.  By preparing yourself and living responsibly your immune system will stay strong, you will feel better in the mornings and you will make it to work on time.

#3 – BE RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY

Look, if you call in sick often, or every Super Bowl Monday, or if take a lot of single days off work, only to show up the next day completely recovered from some “nasty 24 hour bug” or a “terrible bout of food poisoning”, your manager will catch onto you very quickly.  If you are often late because “the power went out” or “traffic was awful this morning” you will not be considered a reliable and trustworthy employee.  Therefore every time you call in sick will be scrutinized.  You manager will always have that tone of disapproval and doubt and those days when you REALLY ARE SICK will be met with skepticism.  Remember the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf?

#4 – TRY AND MAKE IT IN

This tip goes out especially to those of you who are reading this that cannot afford to lose your job.  Maybe you don’t have your 90 days in, have a baby on the way and are living at home with your parents.  Maybe this one sick day could be the difference of getting promoted from part time to full time or even making it past that probationary period.  How do you know if you really are too sick to go to work?  Start by jumping in the shower, taking some Dayquil for that stuffy nose or a couple Tylenol or Advil for that headache.  These things really do work.  Many times just because you feel under the weather, doesn’t mean you can’t go to work.  Quite often, just by giving it an honest effort, you will find that a nice hot shower and some over the counter meds can make you feel a whole lot better. 

#5 – GO TO THE DOCTOR AND THEN STAY HOME AND REST

So if you’ve tried your best, but you have a fever of 102 degrees, a nasty sore throat and you are coughing up a lung, you should not be going to work.  Instead you should be on your way to the clinic to have a doctor check you over.  If it’s a simple virus you might need a couple days off work and some R&R, but if you need antibiotics it’s best that you get on them sooner than later.  Bronchitis can turn into pneumonia before you know it, and instead of a couple of days off work, you can find yourself out for a week or more, and if you get paid hourly or are docked pay after so many sick days, you won’t be happy when you find yourself shorted on pay day.

#6 – GET A NOTE

Ultimately, it comes down to this.  If you are a good employee who does their job, can be relied on to be on time and at work every day, calling in sick should never be an issue.  However, there are managers out there who despite all of your hard work and dependability, will still give you that disapproving tone on the phone, or tell you that you are really needed at work and try and force you into coming in sick.  For those managers, ask your doctor to write you a note.  If you really are sick, you can get one easily enough, and even if it costs you a couple of bucks, take it from me, it will quiet even the most difficult of bosses, leaving you with the time you need to get better and get back to work.

So the next time you are lying in bed in the morning trying to decide whether today is the day to call in sick, ask yourself this one question.  Who do I want to be?  If you know deep down that you aren’t really too sick to work, get yourself out of bed, rise above that laziness and get your butt to work.  However, if you can look deep inside of yourself, feel good about your decision and know that today is the day to call in sick, don’t hesitate.  Nobody should have to go to work if they are truly not fit to do so.

The Flu Shot

Everyone has specific memories from their childhood that are guaranteed to put a smile on their face.  One memory that makes me chuckle every time comes courtesy of my grade 7 teacher, Mr. Tisdale.  Mr. Tisdale was the schools coolest teacher, thus making grade 7, one of the best years of school for me.  Mr. Tisdale turned most lessons into some form of a comedy routine, and I recall a certain vocabulary lesson that may seem kind of corny today, but certainly made the 12 year old me laugh.  The word for the day was Influenza.  And the story was about a young boy named Enza, who kept running away from home.  Well one day, Enza's father caught him on the way out the door, grabbed him by his coat, and tossed him back into the house, and...yep, you guessed it...In Flew Enza!

Now as a medic and first aid instructor, I find myself discussing Influenza, or more specifically, flu season and the flu shot every time I teach a class.  Having taught over 250 first aid courses for the Red Cross, with an average of 12-15 students per class, I've gotten around 3500 first hand opinions of what is a very controversial topic.  When it comes to the flu shot, people's opinions range from very much pro-flu shot to very anti-flu shot to those who believe that the flu shot is a governmental conspiracy which contains a tracking device that will tell Big Brother where you are every hour of every day.  For those of you who are reading this and believe this to be the case, you should know I have hijacked your web cam, and am at this very moment using retinal scans to steal your identity. You no doubt have contingency plans in place for just such an emergency.  You should activate them immediately.  To those of you who get the flu shot every year, or find yourself living a lifestyle that is so healthy that your immune system does a great job protecting you from viruses and infections, give yourselves a pat on the back and read on for entertainment purposes only.  For the rest of you, here are my thoughts on the flu shot.

Firstly, it is important to understand that the flu virus can be a very serious illness.  For most of us, symptoms will include a sore throat, coughing, runny nose, high grade fever, fatigue, headaches and muscle aches.  It is important to know however that the flu virus attacks a person's respiratory system and in some cases, usually for the very young or the elderly, the flu virus can be very serious, leading to pneumonia, respiratory failure and sometimes resulting in death.  

The most common rebuttal I find when discussing this issue is that there is a very high percentage of people that believe that the flu shot will give them the flu.  My response to that is that the flu shot does NOT make you sick.  No matter how many times I say this, there are people in the classroom who vehemently disagree with me, and have first hand knowledge and experience to prove it.  It usually sounds something like this.

"I got the flu shot last year and it gave me the flu.  I was sick for 2 weeks."

So firstly, there ARE certain reactions that one can have to the flu shot. These are mild reactions and can include redness or swelling around the injection area and or a low grade fever and body aches. They will last only 1-2 days, and are much less severe than the flu.  For those who really did get the flu after getting the flu shot, the highest probability is that that you had already contracted the flu prior to getting the flu shot. It is flu season after all. And the flu shot does not cure the flu you already have.  Also, it takes about 15 days for the flu shot to take effect.  It is also important to ask yourself, did you really have the flu.  Not all illnesses are the flu virus.  Perhaps it was a common cold or a bacterial infection that you contracted.  Did the doctor prescribe you antibiotics?  Did they make you feel better?  Probably wasn't the flu then.  What is important to understand here, is that there is no way that anyone can be certain that they got sick from the flu shot.  So listen to the experts.  Group studies have been done whereby placebos have been given to half of a test group and the actual flu shot given to the other half.  In all tests, those who received the flu shot spent flu season much healthier than those that did not.  Listen to your doctor or another health care professional.  Doctors and nurses get the flu shot and stay healthy during flu season.

So other than preventing yourself from getting sick, why should we get the flu shot?  Did you know that in Canada, the flu virus is responsible for $1 Billion in lost productivity and health care costs per year.  The average amount of time off work per person is 3-4 days, totaling 1.5 million work days per year.  Of course there are those places of employment where your boss highly discourages sick days, so instead of calling in sick and dealing with the wrath of your manager, you go in anyways.  With offices being more congested due to the high cost of real estate you are likely sitting in a cubicle or working on a line, coughing and sneezing, spreading the virus to your unsuspecting co-workers.  Every door handle you touch, phone you pick up or elevator button you press spreads the virus.  Your co-workers go home, they kiss their spouses and children, who then bring the virus to their workplace or school.  It spreads quickly, and before you know it, you are talking with your neighbor discussing how "something is going around".  Everyone knows someone who came down with the flu.  

So what can you do?  Well first and foremost, go and get the flu shot.  It's safe, it's effective and will do a great job of protecting you and your family during flu season.  Just as importantly, wash your hands several times a day, and use an antibacterial soap or hand sanitizer.  These practices are especially crucial if you yourself are feeling under the weather.  You don't need to call in sick every time you feel a tickle in your throat, but when you are out in the public, don't go around coughing or sneezing on people.  Practice proper hygiene and do your best to avoid getting others sick.  Lastly, don't believe what you hear about the flu shot.  Do you own research.  You will find that vaccines are a highly effective way of preventing the spread of diseases.  Protect yourself and your loved ones and when in doubt, always ask your doctor.  Most of them are truly there to help.

You Look Very Nice Today

“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel they have not said enough.”

― Mark Twain

Who doesn't love a compliment.  It makes us feel good about ourselves...it makes us feel special, for a brief moment...it gives us confidence, self esteem and puts a little swagger in our step.  Complimenting someone is a great way to spread positive energy.  When someone is down, a well placed word of praise or encouragement can completely turn around someone’s day...However, for some, a compliment is difficult to receive.

“That’s a really beautiful dress.”

“Oh this old thing?  It’s nothing special.”

Many people have difficulty receiving compliments.  In fact, some people downright hate them.  How receptive we are to receiving compliments, in many cases, reflects how we feel about ourselves.  A sense of low self esteem or self worth tends to get in the way of the compliment, because it contradicts the way we feel about ourselves.  For these people, compliments make them feel uncomfortable and confused...This discomfort and confusion often leads people with low self esteem to seek out friends and relationships in which their own views of themselves are supported...relationships in which emotional, verbal and often physical abuse is present.  In many cases being emotionally and verbally chopped down aligns with their own views and feelings of self worth, and although it hurts at the time, it causes less discomfort than being around people who prop you up with compliments and positive energy...More often than not, this stems from a childhood in which this type of abuse was present in the home...Truth is if you are told through your childhood that you are worthless, you will believe it...you will then seek out relationships in your adult life that reinforce these views...

So what can we do about it?  Well first and foremost, for those parents out there reading my blog, please understand that you are on the front lines of your children’s emotional well being.  It all starts with you.  So it is important that you begin by understanding your own sense of self esteem and self worth.  There are cycles in all things in life and our ability to parent is directly related to how we were parented when we were children and will directly impact our children's ability to parent down the road.  Understanding what makes you tick will go a long way to stopping the cycle of low self esteem. 

For example, if you suffer from any form of addiction, whether it be alcohol, drugs, gambling etc, it is important to understand the effect this has on your children’s self esteem.  These effects stem largely from two main behavioral traits associated with addiction.  The first is the fact that your children come to understand very quickly that they take a back seat to your addiction.  Promising a trip to the park and then putting it off because you are on your 6^th beer and have your friends over lets the child know exactly where your priorities lie.  By putting the addiction first, the children question their value and this leads to low self worth.  The second behavioral trait is the mood swings that accompany addictions.  These mood swings are drastic.  One minute, when you are down and awaiting a drink or a fix, you are grumpy, quick to anger, lashing out for what seems like no reason...then suddenly, once your thirst is quenched, you become their best friend, ready to play games with them, telling them how much you love them over and over again...These two extremes confuse the children...they begin to think that your moods are related to them...that your lows are their faults...they crave the highs, but these highs are too extreme and only temporary...These ups and downs, which will be present in virtually every addiction, have a very strong effect on your children’s self esteem and make no mistake about it, are a form of emotional abuse. 

Children with low self esteem are also often the victims of bullying at school.  Whether it is because they don’t take as good of care of their appearance, don’t excel at sports or academics or suffer from depression or anxiety, these children often make the perfect targets, once again creating a life where compliments are few and far between.  It is no wonder they have difficulty receiving them.  Combine the time children spend at school being bullied and at home being abused, and you can quickly understand why they grow up believing they are worthless, and in a great many cases turn to substance abuse themselves, hence continuing the cycle.

Now ask yourself a question.  Are you comfortable with the knowledge that your children’s future, which is in your hands, will be one in which they will feel low self worth? If you aren’t, then it’s time to stop the cycle.  The moment is now.  It is time to begin complimenting your children instead of knocking them down.  It is time to be a part of the solution instead of part of the problem.  If you are in the midst of an addiction, or if you suffer from low self esteem, you need to seek help.  .  There are more than enough resources, programs and therapists out there to help you change your life and the future of your children and grandchildren.  Understand that failing to address the root cause of your own behavior, your self esteem issues and your own substance abuse, will not effect positive change in your life or the lives of your children.  You can't just say, "Hey Jimmy you can be anything you want to be buddy." and then go hit the crack pipe.  

For those currently in abusive relationships, living with someone with substance abuse problems or suffering from your own addictions, whether you are current or future parents, its time to put an end to this cycle.  Its time to protect the children.  Its time to put them first.  Get help now.  Future generations of your blood line are counting on you.

 

Are You Likeable?

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20’s, I remember very well sitting in my dad’s office in Mississauga, where one of the most important conversations of my life took place...I had just started working for my dad, and was having difficulty navigating the corporate landscape...apparently, some people were complaining about me and truth be told, I had no idea what the problem was...

“People just don’t like you Jeff.” Dad advised me.

“Well that’s their problem.  I’m nice to them.  I’m not rude.  I don’t know what their issues are but I don’t care if they like me of not.  They can all go **** themselves for all I care” I replied with the cockiness and arrogance of your typical 23 year old that had just triggered his father in any way you can imagine.  “I mean, what is their problem?” 

 

“The problem is you’re an a**hole.” my dad interjected with his usual subtle approach.

You see, back then, Dad and I had a dicey relationship.  I triggered the hell out of him and he knew just the look or cutting words that would shut me up...but this time, I wasn’t going to just quietly walk away, bruised ego, tail between my legs, to my office where I would sit in that angry hurt place that didn’t accomplish anything...no way, today I wanted to know WHY my dad had just called me an asshole.  So I toughed it out and asked him what he meant.  In the following half hour or so I got some of the best advice I had ever received from my father and it stuck with me.  Here are some of the things my dad said to me that day.

#1 – Try and go a whole day without saying the words “I” or “me”...my first reply was “I can do that” lol...which pretty much meant I was going to struggle with this task.  That day he explained to me that people in general really don’t care about you...I’m not talking about your close friends and family, of course they care and want to know about your day and your life but when it comes to others, like coworkers, acquaintances and people you are meeting for the first time, trust me when I say that the vast majority of them would rather spend all of their time talking about themselves than listening to you do the same.  God gave us 1 mouth and 2 ears...which might mean it would be good to listen twice as much as we talk...and it isn’t enough to just talk less about yourself, it really helps to pay close attention and show general interest in what others have to say...ask questions about them and ask them to elaborate when they tell you something about themselves.  When you show a sincere interest in others, and not spend your time checking your watch or your email or glancing at your phone every 30 seconds, people will appreciate it...make eye contact and maintain it...who knows, you might even learn something...and knowledge is power...especially if you find yourself in any business dealings with that person down the road. 

#2 – No matter how good your story is, never tell one that is better than the other persons.  This was golden...how many times have you seen it happen, or has it happened to you...One person tells a story, for example, about the fish they caught that day, or the party they went to the night before, and then without missing a beat, another person “one up’s” them...What that second person is really saying is that “oh great story and all, but mine is better so I’m gonna tell you right now just how much better and totally kill your vibe”...and that is exactly what it does...it takes the wind out of that first person’s sail...maybe it shouldn’t, maybe in a perfect world, we could just high five each other with sincerity, but in the world we live in, competition is everywhere...and the easiest way to hurt someone’s feelings is  to dismiss their story by telling a better one...Instead, bite your tongue, high five them for a great story, even if to you it isn’t so great, and avoid the temptation to one up them.

#3 – Don’t be disagreeable...Whether or not you agree with someone, it isn’t necessary for you to share it...Especially when the conversation revolves around things of a serious nature such as religion or politics, which by the way are great topics to avoid altogether...sometimes it’s ok to simply nod your head and listen...This doesn’t mean that you have to compromise your morals or ethics, it simply means, pick and choose your battles...does this new person you just met at a party or business or networking function really need to be told they are wrong in their beliefs,  just because you disagree with them?  It also doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.  Instead, gently change the topic to something more positive and less controversial in nature.  If the person doesn’t want to, make an excuse to end the conversation and politely move on to less choppy waters.

#4 – Don’t come on too strong...I’ve been told I have a good sense of humor...I have been told I can brighten up a room and make people laugh...this doesn’t mean I have to do it the second I arrive...it doesn’t mean I have to do it all day and night...sometimes it’s good to give others the spotlight, and just STFU...I’ve learned to STFU over the years, and pick my spots...Sometimes, a half dozen well placed humorous comments are much better than playing the role of the stand up comedian all night...leave them wanting more...and this will also avoid stepping on the toes of the other self professed comedians in the room...now all that being said, sometimes when you are fire, just go with the flow, especially if the other guy isn’t getting the job done! 

These are just 4 of the suggestions that my dad gave me that day...And over the years I have always tried to remember that it is good to be likeable...Likeability opens doors...it makes friends...it means that when people talk about you when you AREN’T around, they will generally be saying nice things...And when you consider the alternatives, well, I am sure you get the point.  Things with my dad by the way have never been better.  We’re BFF’s for sure!  Gone are the days when my dad needs to call me an a**hole...but I suspect that if I ever needed to hear it, he’d be happy to get me pointed back in the right direction!!  And that’s ok with me!

Trusting The Process

There are certain things that we know to be true in life.  For example, we know that if we fill up the ice cube trays and put them in the freezer, we will have ice cubes.  We know this to be true because we have seen it happen time and time again over the course of our lives.  Inherent wisdom has taught us to trust the process of turning water into ice cubes.

The word PROCESS is defined as a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end.  In the opening example. the steps and the end are very clear.  Fill the ice cube tray, place it in freezer and wait 1-2 hours and you have ice.  Unfortunately in life, some processes are not so simple.  Some processes require multiple steps, can take much longer than 1-2 hours and results may vary or be more difficult to realize than frozen water.  This is why it is important in these cases to TRUST THE PROCESS.

When I coach business owners or their employees on the art of trusting the process, I always start with determining the desired end result, or what is commonly referred as the goal.  If the goal is to increase sales, I work with the client to implement a plan of action aimed at increasing sales.  Over the course of the following 3-6 months, providing that the client implements the plan and trusts the process, the desired results are achieved.  In this case, the plan of action made sense to the client which made trusting the process relatively easy and the results, with benchmarks that would show almost immediately, were achieved in a short period of time.

What about processes that are not so easy to understand, with results that are not so easy to see and may take months or years to achieve?  Is trusting the process in these cases easy?  What if the goal is simply to be happy, or to raise emotionally healthy and well balanced children?  Could there really be a process to achieve such results?

The answer is yes.  The question is what are you prepared to do to achieve the most important results of your life.  Results that break the cycles of negativity that have plagued you and your family for generations.  Results that will ensure that you don't pass onto to your children or future children the toxic behaviors and reactions to triggers that have caused you to struggle to find happiness in your life.  

Each persons future journey is as unique as the path that has gotten them to this point in their lives. so I cannot begin to describe yours in a blog.  I can however help guide you towards your path.  The first step, just as it was for that business owner who wanted to increase sales, is to find yourself someone to help guide you towards success.  A life coach, a counselor or a therapist are great resources.  They will help you put a plan of action in place that will achieve the desired results.

In many cases the journey will not be easy or short.  If you have a past with physical or psychological trauma or substance abuse in your family, parents who fought every day or who were emotionally absent from your life, the path may be long and filled with obstacles.  There will be truths to realize, secrets to expose and damaged relationships to heal, but once you start down the path, the most important advice I can give you is to TRUST THE PROCESS!!  

Trust that replacing negative thoughts with positive ones will make you happier.  Trust that learning to control your emotions when triggered will improve your health.  Trust that treating others the way you would like to be treated will improve your relationships.  Trust that exploring your past will help brighten your future.  Trust that forgiving those that have done you wrong will lighten the burden on YOUR shoulders.  These are all part of the process.  If you trust it, make baby steps every day, let others help pick you up when you fall, forgive yourself when you aren't perfect and never give up even when the days are darkest, YOU WILL, without a shadow of a doubt, make positive changes in your lives and the lives of those around you.

Positivity Is The Key

Happy New Year everyone, I hope that 2014 brings you everything you dream of and desire...I also hope you continue to read and enjoy my blog...It brings me joy knowing that you accompany me on my journey of continuous improvement and growth, and as long as I see the views continue to rise (up over 1000 now) I will keep writing.

One of the resolutions I made a few years ago, which I am proud to say I continue to follow to this day, is to be aware of the company I keep.  If you've read my blog in the past, you will recognize the term Debbie Downer, and you know that I believe that surrounding yourself with positive people in your life will bring positive results...this is why for the most part, I now limit the exposure I have to people in my life that drag me down...the result has been wonderful, not only due to the absence of drama in my life, but it also created a void, which seemingly filled automatically with the type of people that I want to attract...so in essence, as cut throat as it sounds, I traded up...and it happened without a whole lot of effort.  The law of attraction states that like attracts like...therefore negative energy attracts negative energy and positive energy attracts positive energy.  Simply by limiting my exposure to negative energy, I have seen first hand, the influx of more positivity in my life.

This brings me to a story...During the holidays, I was sitting in the car with my daughter Jordan, when I asked her what her plans were for New Years Eve...the past few years there has been a circle of friends that would gather during special occasions, and I wondered if maybe she would be joining them...she explained to me that she really didn't like hanging out with them anymore.  I asked her why, and her response was that a couple of them were starting to be mean to people, and she didn't like it.  I asked if they were mean to her, and she said no, just that they were being mean to others and she didn't like hanging out with them anymore.  Now I knew this wasn't easy for her, as it kinda meant walking away from the popular crowd, so I asked if she was ok..."Yeah Dad," she replied, "Their loss."

I sat back later that night, thinking about what had happened...For those with daughters reading this blog, I am sure you know just how tough it can be socially as they approach their pre-teen and teenage years. Clicks are formed, friendships are strained and the pressure of growing up is so severe that many of her friends, at the tender age of 12 have turned to self destructive behavior such as cutting themselves and in one case, attempted suicide.  So to hear that my little girl is eliminating the negative people in her life, at the age of 12, makes me prouder than I can put into words.

The next day, I wanted to tell her this...it isn't always easy getting the attention of a 12 year old girl...so I try and pick my spots...I figured I needed about 10 minutes...

"Jo...do you have a minute?"

"Yea Dad, just let me update my Instagram account." she replied.

"What Instagram account?", I asked.

"Oh you should follow me Dad...My profile name is INSPIRING_QUOTES54321...I try to inspire others."

Yea, I thought as I smiled...she's gonna be just fine!!

New Years Resolutions

Sitting in the car Christmas Day with my 12 year old daughter Jordan, having one of our regular hilarious conversations, I swear she is destined for stand up comedy, when she proclaims to me the following...

"Daddy," she says.  "You will be so proud of me.  I have started using the treadmill, and I plan to use to it for an hour every day from now on."

"Sweetheart, that is great news."  I replied, as I went into a not so lengthy diatribe (lengthy ones are typically met with disapproval) about the benefits of physical fitness to the heart, body and mind. 

Sure enough early the next day, I watched as she set her timer, put on the Family Channel, jumped on the treadmill and ran her little heart out to a Good Luck Charlie Christmas Special.  The next day I watched as she again, although with slightly less exuberance, did her hour on the treadmill.  Day three, well that was a little different.

"Did you get your treadmill time in today honey?"  I asked around dinner time.

"No not today Daddy, I was feeling a little sick."

Sensing an opening, I asked a simple question..."An hour every day is a lot isn't it?"

"Yeah."

Now truth me told, it pained me to great lengths that first day to not counsel her at least a little bit about goal setting and biting off more than one can chew etc etc, but I decided that day not to rain on her parade even a little bit.  But now was the right time to help clarify to her what she had learned all on own...a little debrief with my daughter if you will.  She has now decided that her life is far to busy with friends, school, IPhones and IPads, sleeping and eating to find an hour every day to use the treadmill.  30 minutes, 3 times a week however, well she figures she can squeeze that in. 

My point is two fold.  First and foremost, as the New Year passes and we all decide on our resolutions, don't go overboard on it.  Start small.  Something you can keep, and grow if you find that its working for you.  If you go big, you might find yourself stopping before you even get it off the ground.  Second and perhaps most importantly, it's ok to NOT push our kids in what we feel is the right direction EVERY TIME we have a chance to do so.  Inherent wisdom comes from failing and trying again.  Encourage them, and then take the opportunities to help them learn from their own failures.  Simply asking them the right questions can help them find their own way.

Thanks for reading my blog in 2013...Have a safe and happy New Years and I look forward to seeing you all again in 2014!!

Sometimes I get so angry that I want to ...

Have you ever wondered why you do the things that you do?  Have you wondered why certain things that happen in your life, cause certain emotional outbursts?  Have you ever wondered why these outbursts can seem extreme and impossible to control?  If you do, I have good news and bad news...The good news, is that you are normal...yup, perfectly normal, just like the rest of us who all experience emotional triggers, don't understand why and have difficulty controlling them.  The bad news is that until you understand why this is happening to you, you will never be able to control them, and the dynamics of the relationships that they are affecting will never change. 

Before I get to the four stages of personal growth that come into play in identifying, understanding and overcoming our emotional issues, lets start by setting a couple ground rules.  Rule number one is that we are all a little messed up...Even The Beaver, with what seemed like perfect parents, has his issues...So to understand the process, its important to know that everyone can use a little personal growth.  For those of you who are perfect, had perfect childhoods and don't need any guidance, please feel free to close your browser, turn on the Brady Bunch and watch what must have been a complete replica of your early lives.  For the rest of us messed up, perfectly normal individuals who would like to understand why we sometimes have trouble controlling our emotions, please feel free to read on.

Rule number two is admitting that we all have triggers.  Triggers, just like on a gun, are things that happen to us in our lives that send us immediately into an emotional state that exists outside of the normal day to day range.  I am not talking about ups and downs, I am talking about sudden spikes where anger turns to rage, where we say or do things that we later regret.  This is the spot we cannot control and this is the spot that affects are lives in negative ways. 

With all of that being said, there are four stages of personal growth that once we decide to embark upon the journey we will all go through...here they are...

Stage 1 Unconscious Incompetence - This is the beginning of the journey...this is where we have no control over our emotional outburst (Incompetence) and we have no idea they even exist (Unconscious)...In this stage, we blame others for the conflicts we are in.  We take no responsibility for them at all.  We are completely unaware that they even exist and we live our lives playing the victim role, generally going from one relationship to the next, having difficulty making friends and keeping friends because after all, they are all crazy.

Stage 2 Conscious Incompetence - If you have made it to stage 2, congratulations.  Give yourself a pat on the back and be proud of yourself, for you have decided to fix what is broken and get on the path of continuous improvement.  But don't break your arm in doing so because you have a long ways to go.  In this stage, you are still messed up (Incompetence) but at least you know it (Conscious)...In this stage, you have stopped blaming the world for your problems.  You have started to become accountable for your actions...You now get it...You now understand what your triggers are and how they are affecting your life.  Unfortunately you still aren't able to do anything about it.  The reason is that the triggers are still controlling your emotions, and because of this, at the time of the trigger, you forget everything you learned.  You still act out in rage, throw stuff, yell at people or if you are the passive aggressive type, you withdraw and give people the silent treatment...you don't yet know how to clean up your messes, but at least, once the smoke clears, you can reflect back and see the part you played.

Stage 3 Conscious Competence - In this stage, you are now totally accountable for your actions.  You understand why you react (Conscious) and you have started to catch yourself and correct the behaviour (Competent).  The time between trigger and accountability / correction isn't necessarily instantaneous, but the initial reactions are milder than they used to be, and you clean up your messes.  You apologize for your part, communicate with those involved and often its "water under the bridge" in no time.  Relationships are healthier, arguments are over quicker and everyone involved is happier for it.  Once you reach this stage, you are in much better control of your emotions, and angry outbursts, although still possible, are few and far between and over quickly.

Stage 4 Unconscious Competence - This is the end of your journey.  You now find yourself not even reacting to things that used to send you off the charts.  You are no longer a slave to your triggers and it is no longer necessary for you put any effort into correcting the behavior.  You are as cool as a cucumber.  Congratulations, you are now the Dalai Lama.

Now ask yourself, are you in stage 1?  If so, what are you waiting for?  There are tools out there for you to begin the personal improvement process and start understanding what it is that makes you tick and what is stopping you from finding happiness in your life.  These tools will help you to start loving yourself and making room for others to love you back.  Its the 21st century and personal growth is for everyone.  Good luck!!   

Donated to Goodfellows again today...

First of all, this isn't a pat myself on the back posting to tell all my readers what a great guy I am, and get a bunch of replies telling me so...well not entirely anyways, and remember, flattery will get you everywhere...But I did want to take a few minutes to tell you about something that happened to me this morning...Like many people I know, I always make sure I give to Goodfellows as soon as I see one of their representatives, usually wearing nice warm "I'm ready to go fight a fire" apparel...I hand them whatever loose change I have, loonies, twoonies...hopefully totalling around $5 so I can feel like I really gave this year.  Then I put the Goodfellows newspaper on the dash to proudly display that Yes, I, Jeff Wilder, did my part this year to help those less fortunate than myself.  Or this is what I tell myself.  Truth be told, I display the newspaper for the same reason most people do.  To avoid having to give again.  Now don't feel bad if you do that too...I mean at least you gave once right?  Some people don't give at all...and we know who you are by the glaring absence of the newspaper on your dash.  Yes the newspaper...oh how proud I am to display it...just to show others how decent a human being I am...so here I am, this morning sitting at Tim Hortons, in the drive through, my paper visible upside down in the reflection of the wind shield, when I spotted the following headline...

"Without Local Charity, There Could Be No Christmas"

How sad I thought to myself.  No Christmas?  Are people in that dire straits that Christmas might be canceled?  That is when it hit me, and I am a little ashamed to admit it.  I have been so caught up lately in my own trials and tribulations that I forgot just how bad of shape the city of Windsor is in.  Numbers for October came in at 9%, the 2nd highest unemployment rate in the country.  And with the recent announcement of Heinz closing next year, the jobless rate in Essex County and Windsor will go even higher...No Christmas?  Well its great to see an organization such as Goodfellows, and all of these amazing volunteers, doing what they do for the city of Windsor and Essex County.

They say charity begins at home, and even though there are a great many less fortunate that need our help overseas, the Philippines for example, we should not forget our neighbors, friends and other members of our very own community.  So what do you ask did I do about it?  Well I did two things.  First I removed the newspaper from my smug dashboard, so that I may be greeted by more Goodfellows Volunteers...then a few minutes later, I found one..."pssst...they're everywhere!"...and gave him some actual paper money...and then when he offered me a paper in return, I declined, saying I already have one...His reply "Well you should put it in on your dash so we stop bothering you!"  You aren't bothering me my friend...and thank you for what you are doing for the city!!

Running THROUGH The Finish Line

Recently I was in British Columbia, hiking up a mountain, carrying a huge jug of water and backpack full of bricks, with a partner who was doing the same.  It was a test of strength and will, one in which I am proud to say I dug deep and surpassed my own expectations.  It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't accept failure as an option.  As I saw the finish line about 200 meters ahead, it would have been easy for me to put it on coast and cruise through, people cheering me on for having accomplished my goal.  My partner was sure to be happy with that plan.  What I did instead, with my legs burning, my back killing me and my feet full of blisters, was begin to run.  "What the heck are you doing?" asked my partner.  "Lets go man, we only have a little way left, lets sprint through the finish"  I looked as my partner started to pick up the pace...the pain was excruciating, but suddenly it didn't matter, as the only thing I cared about was getting to the finish line as quickly as possible.  Surprisingly I started to pick up speed, and it seemed the closer I got to the finish line the faster I ran, with my partner right by my side (OK maybe I was a little ahead of him)...The last 10 steps are etched into my memory.  The faster I ran, the louder the cheers got...our efforts had worked the crowd into a frenzy.  They were screaming "Go...Go...Go...Go..." and as we lunged through the finish line with every ounce of energy remaining in our bodies, the crowd went ballistic.  It was one of the proudest moments in my life, and one that I was only able to experience because I chose to, instead of jogging the last 200 meters and coasting to the finish line, to sprint and run through it as fast as I could.  And as I crossed, with absolutely nothing left in the tank, my legs feeling like rubber, the backpack feeling like it weighed 500 lbs, a wonderful thing happened.  My fellow competitors ran over to me and helped me to stand.  They removed the backpack.  They didn't allow me sit down, instead encouraging me to stand tall and put my hands up above my head to help the oxygen into my lungs.  They essentially caught me as I fell.

I have since thought back to that moment many times, and asked myself just how many times in my life had I slowed down when I saw the finish line.  How many times had I coasted through, admiring my accomplishments,  chit chatting with coworkers as deadlines passed.  Truth is the answer is too many.  Too often had I in life accomplished something great, only to then coast for a bit admiring myself and what I had done.  Too often had I closed a big account, only to high five my coworkers and head home early for the day or to the bar to have a drink for a job well done, instead of picking up the phone and closing another big account, or planting more seeds to be harvested the next day. 

Maybe its human nature to sit back on our laurels and pat ourselves on the back, but since that day, I have instead chosen to run THROUGH the finish line instead of TO it, and this has made huge differences in my life.  Friday afternoons are no longer my day to kick back and relax after a hard days work, they are used as an opportunity to further my business by getting a jump start on Monday.

The Olympics are fast approaching, and I am looking forward to watching athletes who have trained for years compete in their respective arenas where 1/100 of a second is the difference between being a champion or a runner up.  The difference between the cover of Sports Illustrated or a small picture on page 26.  You can bet at this level, none of these elite athletes will see the finish line and shift down and coast...instead, they will kick it into the highest gear they have, dig deep for that last amount of fuel in the tank, lean forward and use every last bit of willpower to burst THROUGH the finish line.  Isn't this the level you want to play at in your life?

New job? Follow these tips

In  these ever changing markets, it seems the days of getting a job, working for the same employer for 25 or 30 years, retiring with a cushy pension and riding into the sunset happily ever after, are over, at least for most of us.  Therefor, many people in the workforce, will be faced, either today or soon, with starting a new job.  Whether the time is now, or if you are considering a change in career paths in the near future, there are a few things you need to know, or should know, to make the transition as smooth and fruitful as possible.

1/  Shhhhhhhhhhh...

There is a saying that goes something like this - "They thought I was a (insert colorful pronoun here) until I opened my mouth and proved it to be true."  Look, as charming, funny and entertaining as you might be or believe yourself to be, coming on too strong your first few days/weeks/months in a new job is a sure fire way to alienate yourself amongst your new peers.  Odds are that you will soon find yourself the fodder of many of the conversations around the water cooler, and they won't be about how charming and funny you are.  Truth is that this backfires in many ways, and many people try too hard to make impressions too quickly.   Allow your actions to speak for you, as you show that you are a valuable member of this new team.  Don't risk offending people you barely know with a sense of humor that may not go over so well.  Instead, use the time in a new job, to quietly observe others.  Learn the landscape.  Don't steal the spotlights from others.  Don't "one up" others stories.  Show genuine interest in what your new co-workers have to say.  Ask questions and learn from the answers.  All of that being said, don't be afraid to contribute to the work talk with your innovative ideas and suggestions. 

2/ Serve First

I recently started a new position, a part time job, that to be honest, wasn't really something that excited me, but it fit my needs in terms of time frames between contracts, and it beat laying around the house collecting unemployment.  My first day on the job, I started walking up to people asking if there was anything I could do to help them.  It was amazing the response that I got.  First I was greeted with a smile, and either a polite "No I'm good, but thank you." or "Sure I could use a hand with this or that".  Either way, word got out quickly how nice a guy I was, and it spread all over the company, including up into management.  Soon everybody was noticing that I was helping others in the company whenever I had a free minute from my own duties.  You see, I served first.  I put the needs of others in front of my own, and it paid off.  Serve first, and you will see it pay off in spades.

3/  Avoid the Gossip

It is inevitable, in any job, that you will be approached usually sooner than later, by one or more of the resident gossipers.  They are everywhere.  And all they want to do is engage you in the story of the day about so and so and what they are up to.  Here is where you have options.  Option #1 would be to engage with that person, thinking that they want to be your new friend.  After all, who doesn't want a new friend at a new job.  But beware the wolf in sheep's clothing because the one who gossips to you will inevitably gossip about you.  Option #2 would be to just ignore it, smile, nod your head and keep your mouth shut.  This way you don't get dragged in, but you also won't make an enemy.  #3 would be to let the person know you are not one to gossip and have them move along, which will likely put you his or her crosshairs and make you the target of further gossiping.  If that happens, shrug it off and ignore it.  Really, who cares what the gossipers say about you.  This crowd isn't happy unless they are talking about someone, so don't let it get to you. 

So here it is, a few tips that will help you settling into your new work place.  Basically, avoid the negative energy.  It's a virus, and if you catch it, you will spread it.  Stay positive, smile, do your job, and over time, your will find a social circle of like minded coworkers, who will trust you and like you for who you are.

What? Me Worry?

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” - Mark Twain

In today's world, there are plenty of things to worry about and the list seems to grow everyday. And every day, I meet people in my personal and work activities, who demonstrate through their words and their actions that they spend far too much of their time worrying.  What do they worry about?  Well that depends on the person, however inevitably their worries fall into one of two catergoris...THINGS I CAN CONTROL and THINGS I CANNOT CONTROL.

Before we delve into these further, let's define worrying.  According to the Websters Dictionary worrying is defined as "To feel or experience distress or anxiety".  The act of worrying is nothing more than a mental and emotional way to cause ourselves unhappiness, stress and anxiety.  It is bad for our health and wellness and leads to a great many physical and emotional illnesses.

1)  Things I cannot control

If you find yourself spending any time at all worrying about things that you have no control over in your life, you need to STOP NOW.  By definition, you have no control over these things and whether they happen or not, hence worrying about them is accomplishing nothing positive in your life.  Let's face it, from time to time circumstances or events will occur that will be of an unpleasant nature.  Tragedy and misfortune are a part of life.

"Sunny days wouldn't be special, if it wasn't for rain
Joy wouldn't feel so good, if it wasn't for pain"
50 Cent

Being prepared for the inevitable rainy day is always a great idea. Take a few minutes to plan and prepare for things that may concern you. If you live in a region where natural disaters are may occur, stock up on items that would be useful if one takes place.  An ounce of prevention is equaled to a pound of cure.  However, after you have done this, do not spend another second of your life worrying about whether this tragic event will or will not take place.  The time you spend worrying will only add negative energy into your life, and take away from the time you should be spending focusing on the wonderful things you do have.

2)  Things I can control

I have a friend, who everytime we meet up, talks about his difficulty making ends meet.  We live in a world where a great many of us are living paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes, in the absence of a solid financial plan, paying the bills can be a challenge.  Even with a plan, as the cost of living rises faster than our salaries, we should be regularly examining our plan to see if yesterday's plan meets todays needs.  So as I sit and listen to my friend, I asked him a simply question.  "You seem worried about money.  How is that working for you?"  He replied not so well.  Here was my advice to him.  I told him I wanted him to book an appointment with his wife for a couple of hours within the next few days, and schedule a time to sit down and look at his plan.  I then added that I wanted him to set up a weekly appointment time, one that must be kept, to discuss the financial needs and challenges they faced.  I then finished by asking that he not think about his money problems for one second outside of this regularly scheduled time.  Nowhere in the Websters Dictionary does it say "Worrying:   A proven technique to resolving ones problems"   All it does is lead to more problems.  Follow this step by step analogy of exactly how this happens.

Step 1 - The decision to worry

Worrying is something we choose to do.  It is not forced upon us.  Worrying is a conscious decision to focus on a negative part of our lives.  We choose to spend time thinking about these issues that worry us.

Step 2 - Thoughts lead to emotions

These thoughts directly drive our emotions.  These emotions consist of fear and anger amongst others.  These emotions can be described as that knot in your stomache, and they manifest themselves into physical symptoms such as headaches and nausea.  Hence the term "Worried sick".

Step 3 - Emotions lead to actions

These emotions and the physical symptoms they produce directly lead to our actions.  Whether you are someone that smokes when stressed, pops pain killers to deal with the headaches, takes a sick day from that ulcer that is acting up, eats junk food to feel better or drinks to escape, these emotions are directly related to whatever coping mechanism we use.

Step 4 - Actions lead to results

Actions based on negative emotions such as fear and anger give us negative results in our lives.  When sick we do not excel at our jobs or our lives.  When drinking or on pain medication or sleeping in we are not putting out that effort that is needed to accomplish great things...our results are directly impacted by our actions and negative actions will lead to negative results.

 Step 5 - Negative results lead to more worry and more negative thoughts

This cycle is nothing short of toxic and it consumes us and drags us into a rut.  When we perform badly due to the fact that we spent all of our time worrying about our problems instead of doing something about them in a productive manner, we will produce nothing more than MORE WORRIES.

The good news is that this cycle of worry and fear and anger and resentment does not have to continue.  You can choose TODAY to make positive change in your lives, by choosing NOT to worry.  Instead, book an appointment with yourself and your loved to sit down and discuss in a constructive manner how to solve this problem.  The amount of time and frequency of sit downs will depend on the scope of the issue itself.  Outside of that scheduled time, spend NO TIME OR ENERGY thinking about this problem.  Replace these negative thoughts with positive ones and experience the exact opposite cycle in your life; where positive thoughts lead to positive emotions and positive actions and positive results and more positive thoughts.  Find something you love, be it your children, a family pet or your favorite hobby and focus instead on things that put a smile on your face.

When we choose to stop worrying and stop focusing on the negative things in our lives, we unlock the power of positive thinking, and with this power, we can overcome any obstacles and begin that process of positive change in our life.

Early Is The New On Time

Traffic was terrible.  My son was sick this morning.  The power went out in my building.  We had no hot water when I woke up.  My car broke down.  I got pulled over for speeding.  I ran out of gas.  I couldn't find my keys.

Sound familiar?  Have you heard them all before?  Do you remember perhaps uttering any of these phrases once or twice?  Maybe more than once or twice?  O K so let’s face it, stuff happens right?  Sometimes we do everything right, wake up when we are supposed to, get out the door on time, and travel the same path to our destination that we do successfully every single day, and despite our best intentions and efforts, fail to arrive on time.  And sometimes, the power DOES go out in our building.  And sometimes, we DO misplace our car keys.  So for all of you who rarely show up late for anything, but from time to time find themselves a victim of Murphy's Law, read on only if you find my blogs so interesting you simply cannot close the page.  For the rest of you, who find yourselves anywhere along the time continuum spectrum between "pushing the on time boundaries" to "She'll be late to her own funeral", please read on and I hope you find one or two takeaways that will help you in the future.

I had a business associate once named Ania.  Ania was smart, she was talented and she could have been a valuable member of our business were it not for one issue.  Ania was late for EVERYTHING.  And it wasn’t 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there either.  A typical 6 o’clock meeting would see her clumsily and loudly stumble into the room at 6:30 or even 7:00, huffing and puffing, claiming how horrible traffic was getting there, or how awful her day had been.  And when the business was to open at 6pm, while people waited for the one with the keys to get there, Ania would often be anywhere from 1 to 2 hours late. It got to the point where it was comical and people would discuss which excuse she would use this time.  It also got to the point where we started having meetings without her present and we had to give the keys to someone else.  Imagine a business partner missing crucial meetings.  I spoke with her several times about punctuality to no avail.  It was simply hard wired into this girl’s brain to run behind schedule, and because of it, I shut down the partnership and closed the business.  One can simply not run a business with a person who shows such little respect for others that they cannot be on time.  

If you are like Ania, it’s important to determine why you a problem with being on time.  Ask yourself "Why am I always late?" and you will likely find that it stems all the way back to the core beliefs and values you were given as a child.  If your mother was always late for work or always rushing to get out the door and if your parents enabled you to always be late for school, you will quite likely carry these habits into adulthood.  How we relate to time, is how we were taught to relate to time as children.  But what we weren’t taught as children was exactly what it meant to be late for work, meetings or appointments.  We weren’t taught by our parents that being late for something meant that we considered OUR TIME to be more valuable that THEIR TIME.  We weren’t taught as children that for every meeting we are late to, someone is sitting somewhere waiting for us.  For every time we are late for work, others are picking up our slack doing our jobs.  For every time we are late for an appointment, a business is losing money and other clients are waiting unnecessarily. We weren’t taught that being late is a sign of disrespect.   Yet it is.  And our excuses, no matter how creative they may seem to us at the time, are more often than not completely transparent.  They have been used before.  Do you really believe your boss will believe that you live in the one part of town that sees record power outages?  How long before he suggests you buy a new alarm clock, or a key hook for your front door?  And people, traffic is not a new invention.  It has been around for a couple of years, and if you live in a large city like Toronto, it is part of life.  Showing up late for a meeting or an appointment and blaming traffic is laughable.  Sure the person that waited for you might be courteous and nod their head and smile, but trust me, under that smile they are at the very least questioning your excuse and at worst already deciding to write you off and move on.  It is no exaggeration to say that being late for a sales call or a job interview is the kiss of death.  When I was interviewing potential sales representatives for my business, late candidates were told right away that they missed their interview time and would not be considered for this position.
So what can we do to change?  Here are a couple tips:  

1.      Aim to be early – If you aim to be 15 minutes early for every appointment you will always be on time, even when small delays do occur.

2.      Call ahead – For those times when even 15 minutes wasn’t enough, be respectful enough to phone ahead to advise the person that you are being unexpectedly delayed.

3.      Start your day earlier – If you always find yourself running out the door at the last minute, set your alarm 30 minutes earlier every day.

4.      Use your cell phone alarm as a back-up  - For the times that the power does go out, have a contingency plan in place.

Understanding and appreciating the impact of our being late on others should be enough to help you want to change your ways.  Early really is the new on time.