Because Dad Said So...

When I was a child, I remember quite vividly the day that a male authority figure, who I will call Uncle Jim, someone I trusted, believed in and looked up to, gave me what I am sure at the time he felt was some pretty great advice.  I remember as I sat in the passenger seat of his car when he was cut off in traffic.  He honked his horn at the other driver, and was immediately shown the middle finger.  I was old enough to know what this meant, but had no idea that what would happen next, would impact my life forever.  Uncle Jim, turned his car around, and quickly sped off after the other driver.  I watched as this driver pulled into a gas station, Uncle Jim followed, got out of his car and physically beat the men to what seemed like an inch of his life.  He got back in the car, and drove away, explaining to me, and this is the important part, that “getting the finger” was the biggest personal insult someone can give you.  In his words, it was the ultimate sign of disrespect and if it ever happened to me, I should do the same thing that he had just done.  

This imprinted in my mind, and for the rest of my childhood and early adult life, “the finger” became an issue for me several times.  Viewing it as the ultimate sign of disrespect, whenever I really wanted to tell someone off, I wielded it quickly and freely.  And whenever it was sent my way, I reacted with rage and physical violence.  It is no exaggeration that my beliefs about the middle finger, stemming from Uncle Jim’s advice from my early childhood, caused me to do things into my adult life that I am not proud of, and regret to this very day.

Then somewhere around my mid 20’s, I found myself again in the passenger seat of a vehicle, with a close friend of mine driving, when he too was cut off and given a very personal close up view of the same finger by the other driver.  “Let’s get him bro!”  I shouted.  To which my friend replied, “Dude it’s no big deal.”  “No big deal, bro this guy just flipped you the bird, let’s go get him.”  “Bro,” he said, “it’s only a finger.”  “Only a finger?” I thought to myself.  Did my friend not understand that he had just been shown the ultimate level of disrespect, and that man code called for a firm beating.  Did he not get it?  So I pressed him, angry at him for not doing the right thing.  He pulled his car over and said, “Dude, look at you, you’re shaking.  What’s the big deal?  You can’t go around beating up everyone that shoots you the finger.”  

This was a pivotal moment in my life and one of the first times that I was forced to question a core belief.  You see questioning our core beliefs and values, which are given to us in the earliest days of our lives, means questioning the people that instilled them into us in the first place.  Our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings, teachers, best friends and neighbors; these are the people closest to us, the programmers that guide us throughout our lives and determine the choices and decisions we will make at some of the most critical times in our lives.  Will I take that first puff of marijuana?  Will I get out of bed and go to work today?  Will I steal this pair of sunglasses?  Will I lay my hands on my children in anger?  Will I follow this man into the gas station and beat him half to death? Will I drink and drive home today? Will I end up in jail, the hospital or the morgue?  Will I be responsible for killing a van full of teenagers? 

What if my uncle Jim had chosen a different path that day when I was with him?  What if he had never been cut off in traffic in the first place?  What if he had not chased that poor man down?  What if I had not been with him that day?  Would this core belief that was instilled in me that day in the car have been different?  If so, would I have made different choices in my life around the middle finger?  Nobody knows how our lives would have turned out had circumstances been different.  What I do know, is that I now have the opportunity in MY life to make choices on what core beliefs and values I instill in my children, and the children around me.  And so do you.  Our children’s brains are like hard drives and each one of our words and actions, especially in their youngest years, are the programming we are giving them.  Their core beliefs and values, in terms of self esteem, kindness, drive to success, goals, anger, sadness and every one of their personality traits will be determined by the words you say and the actions that you show. 

So the next time you are with your kids, or anyone else’s for that matter, ask yourself if what you are saying and doing, is instilling in them the types of core values and beliefs that will shape their lives in a positive way, or a negative way.  Tell them how smart they are, not how stupid they are.  Tell them how beautiful they are, not how ugly.  Tell them they can do anything they set their minds to, not that they can never do anything right.  Address issues like racism, bullying, harassment and substance abuse in positive ways and make sure that you tell them every day that you love them so that they will grow up loving themselves.

Lastly, if you were programmed in your early life with core values that are not working for you today in positive ways, it is never too late to question them.  There are many resources available to do a little reprogramming and tweak your core values and beliefs in a more positive direction.  Do it, if not for yourselves, then most definitely for your loved ones and their future generations.  Break the cycle of negativity now, and ensure that your legacy is one of positive change, that will live on forever.

Don't be a Debbie Downer

One of the keys to success in business and in life lies in who and what type of energy you chose to surround yourself with.  Energy is magnetic, in that the bigger the energy, the more it attracts the energy of those around it.  Not only does it attract the energy, it can actually alter the energy or the mood around it, to be more in line with its own.  Let me explain.

Like many generation x'ers I grew on a popular television variety show called Saturday Night Live.  Yes maybe I fell a little too hard for Rosana Rosana Dana and perhaps I lose the younger crowd when I make the occassional conehead joke during my training, but SNL had a way of making us laugh like few others (sorry Mad TV).  Imagine then the joy I experienced on May 1st, 2004, when I found myself LMAO to a new character on SNL played by Rachel Dratch, called Debbie Downer.  Debbie Downer had a way of taking ANY experience, no matter how fun and amazing, and turning it into a moment so depressing, that everyone in the room had to cringe.  In short, Debbie Downer became a term I now use for anyone who literally "sucks the fun" out of life.  For those interested in seeing what I mean, follow this link...but be prepared to pee your pants.

http://limare.buzznet.com/user/video/12536/saturday-night-live-debbie-downer/

OK so hopefully you just spent 6 minutes laughing and smiling, and you are now pretty sure of what I mean when I call someone a Debbie Downer.  Who among us doesn't know at least one Debbie Downer in their lives.  You sit down to chat with them, and within seconds, they are telling you about how the IRS is auditing them, or their ex wife is once again suing for more child support, which they would be happy to pay if the price of gas was not so high (OK maybe even I am a little guilty of that last one myself).  The point is Debbie Downers are fun suckers.  It is difficult at the very least, to truly enjoy your day when there is a Debbie Downer in the room.

What if, instead of surrounding ourselves with Debbie Downers, we chose instead to avoid them?  We didn't answer their calls, we weren't available when they had social events and we stood chuckling silently on the other side of our door when they came knocking.  What if we then took it a step further, and chose to surround ourselves with the exact opposite personality type to the Debbie Downer (I don't have a catchy name for this person but I am open to suggestions)  Do you know anyone, who no matter how you are feeling, just being around them brings a smile to your face?  If you do, why not chose to spend more time with that person? (And yes my schedule is always open to brighten your day) If you don't know anyone like this, well then get out there and find one as quickly as you can.  Find a friend that makes you laugh and smile, and watch how this lifts you up and brightens your day.

Lastly, ask yourself what type of energy footprint do YOU wish to leave in your wake every day?  We all have the ability to be a Debbie Downer, no matter how positive we may think we are.  Who doesn't have bad days?  Conversely, we all also have the ability to put a smile on someone's face if we chose to do so.  So the next time you are standing in line at the bank, or cashing out at the supermarket,  smile and tell the people you interact with to have a great day.  Compliment them on their service or their outfit or their smile.  Chose to leave people just a little bit happier than they were when you met them.  If we all did this, would the world not be a better place to live?  I think it would!

"Failure is not an option"...really?

“Damn!!  I really screwed that up!”  or “How could I have been so stupid to make that mistake?”

Sound familiar?  Because there is a really good chance that you have said this or something VERY similar to it the last time you made a mistake.  The truth is that people really do not like making mistakes.  A mistake means that you failed at whatever task you set out to accomplish, and if society has taught us one thing about failure, is that “failure is not an option”.  That phrase can be found on Youtube in the form of video clips, it can be found on Amazon in the form of a book, it can be found on T-Shirts in the form of catch phrases and it can be found driven deep into our psyche as a misguided way to motivate us towards success.   Failure is not an option.

Ask yourself this, if failure is not an option, why is it that it happens every minute of every hour of every day of the year, in every town, city and country on the planet?  The truth is failure is inevitable and mistakes are inevitable, because if they were not, that would mean that we are perfect.  And nobody’s perfect.

I don’t think this is mind blowing stuff here.  I don’t think I am telling you something you don’t already know.  Ask ourselves this though.  If we already know we aren’t perfect, and we already know that we will make mistakes and we already know that failure is a part of our lives, past, present and future, then why do we beat ourselves up so much when it happens?  I will tell you why.  Because we have all been conditioned that failure is not an option, and therefore, failure and mistakes bring along with them, those oh too familiar emotions: anger, sadness, embarrassment and guilt.  Yuck.  Did anyone here order the Failure Special with a side order of guilt or embarrassment?  Did you order the Anger Sundae for dessert?  I didn’t think so.  So why are we choking it all down?

"I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work." –Edison regarding the invention of the light bulb.

Thomas Edison viewed each failure as a success.  He viewed each failure as a learning opportunity.  Now let’s be frank here.  Not many of us have the type of drive, dedication and perseverance to learn 700 times how not to do something, but the truth is many of beat ourselves up after even a single mistake.  Many of us get angry at ourselves, get down on ourselves, listen to that little voice in our head tell us how worthless we are, and then we quit, never to try again.

I was training a class a few weeks ago, and one of my students made a mistake.  I could see instantly how embarrassed and upset at himself he got.  I walked right over to him and put my hand in the air to give him a high 5, and said “Yea, way to go, great job!”  Well, he looked at me, puzzled and asked why I was congratulating him on making a mistake.  I told him it wasn’t a mistake.  I told him it was a learning opportunity, and to take advantage of that learning opportunity and try again.  He did.  And he was successful.  All mistakes are learning opportunities.  All mistakes give us knowledge and bring us one step closer to success.  The only failure, is giving up and never trying again.

Education

Who is it that has us convinced that the educational stage of our lives takes place between ages 5 and 25?  As a society we are taught that we will go to school from primary school through to our graduation from post secondary be it college or university, at which point we are to graduate and begin our career in whatever workplace we chose.  So where does it say that we cannot continue to educate ourselves as adults?  What type of education is available as we leave the nest and begin our adult lives?

Well let us start by determining what type of education would be most valuable to us in our adult lives.  We have already learned that 2+2=4 and that Canada has 10 provinces and 3 territories (don't forget Nunavet).  We already know who won WW1 and WW2 and that dodge ball is the funnest game in the world.  So what don't we know?  In what areas can we improve ourselves in our lives?  Below are some ideas.

1/  The back up plan

Whether or not you are happy with your current choice of careers, lets face it, things do not always go as planned.  Times change, and what could have been a great career choice today, does not always end up being a great choice in the future.  With this in mind, a back up plan can save you much stress and anxiety down the road.  If you don't believe me, ask a great many former automotive workers whether they wished they were more prepared for a career change a few years ago when the big 3 announced their financial struggles and laid off thousands.  Suddenly, the market was flooded with people looking for new career opportunities.  Do yourself and favor and begin educating yourself now in an area that interests you that could become a career choice down the road.

2/  Understanding ourselves

Whether we want to believe it or not, the majority of people have a very poor understanding of what makes them tick.  We know ourselves well enough in terms of what we like and dislike, and we know ourselves well in terms of how we behave when the seas are calm.  What most people don't understand is how or why we perform or react when the seas in our lives become rough.  How do we react when someone hits one of our emotional triggers?  Do we withdraw?  Do we lash out?  There is a law I refer to in training, similar to the law of gravity, called the law of emotional intelligence.  This law states that when emotions go up, intelligence goes down and this law applies to everyone.  People world wide make mistakes when they become emotionally elevated, and if you don't believe me, simply visit a prison and find out how many violent acts are perpetrated by people who, the next day, awoke and asked themselves "What the heck was I thinking?"  The problem is everyone has emotional triggers.  Things that happen that send our emotions outside of the normal range that we operate in.  And when this happens, we react, and this reaction is based on how we feel at the time, not how we think.  Allowing our emotions to rule our actions and bypass rational thought rarely sees us handling these situations in the best manner, and in many cases, this leads to negative results in our lives.  So why not invest in understanding a little better what our emotional triggers are, where they stem from and what we can do to ensure our reactions end up with positive results.  Everyone can use a little therapy.

3/  Time for a new past time or hobby

How often have we heard someone say "I wish I knew how to..."?  Whatever your "how to" is, there are definitely things that will interest us, that could be that next great thing in our lives.  Have you ever wondered what a birdie is?  Take golf lessons.  Have you ever watched a program and thought how great it would be dive to the bottom of the great barrier reef?  Take scuba lessons.  Do you crave to be able to make that perfect dinner for family and friends?  Take cooking lessons.  Do you want to be able to give back to the community and help people when they are in need?  Take a first aid course.  There is no better time than the present to open a new door in your life and walk through it, and all that it takes is to enroll in a course today to broaden your horizons and make you a more well rounded and happier person.

So whether you open up a community activities calendar, a night course guide at your local college or a self help book to begin exploring your inner self, commit now to the concept of continual improvement and continual education in your life.  When we stop learning, we stop growing as a person.  Inherent wisdom comes with age and you can really blossom when you combine that wisdom with education.  The best investment anyone can make is to invest in themselves.