Because Dad Said So...

When I was a child, I remember quite vividly the day that a male authority figure, who I will call Uncle Jim, someone I trusted, believed in and looked up to, gave me what I am sure at the time he felt was some pretty great advice.  I remember as I sat in the passenger seat of his car when he was cut off in traffic.  He honked his horn at the other driver, and was immediately shown the middle finger.  I was old enough to know what this meant, but had no idea that what would happen next, would impact my life forever.  Uncle Jim, turned his car around, and quickly sped off after the other driver.  I watched as this driver pulled into a gas station, Uncle Jim followed, got out of his car and physically beat the men to what seemed like an inch of his life.  He got back in the car, and drove away, explaining to me, and this is the important part, that “getting the finger” was the biggest personal insult someone can give you.  In his words, it was the ultimate sign of disrespect and if it ever happened to me, I should do the same thing that he had just done.  

This imprinted in my mind, and for the rest of my childhood and early adult life, “the finger” became an issue for me several times.  Viewing it as the ultimate sign of disrespect, whenever I really wanted to tell someone off, I wielded it quickly and freely.  And whenever it was sent my way, I reacted with rage and physical violence.  It is no exaggeration that my beliefs about the middle finger, stemming from Uncle Jim’s advice from my early childhood, caused me to do things into my adult life that I am not proud of, and regret to this very day.

Then somewhere around my mid 20’s, I found myself again in the passenger seat of a vehicle, with a close friend of mine driving, when he too was cut off and given a very personal close up view of the same finger by the other driver.  “Let’s get him bro!”  I shouted.  To which my friend replied, “Dude it’s no big deal.”  “No big deal, bro this guy just flipped you the bird, let’s go get him.”  “Bro,” he said, “it’s only a finger.”  “Only a finger?” I thought to myself.  Did my friend not understand that he had just been shown the ultimate level of disrespect, and that man code called for a firm beating.  Did he not get it?  So I pressed him, angry at him for not doing the right thing.  He pulled his car over and said, “Dude, look at you, you’re shaking.  What’s the big deal?  You can’t go around beating up everyone that shoots you the finger.”  

This was a pivotal moment in my life and one of the first times that I was forced to question a core belief.  You see questioning our core beliefs and values, which are given to us in the earliest days of our lives, means questioning the people that instilled them into us in the first place.  Our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings, teachers, best friends and neighbors; these are the people closest to us, the programmers that guide us throughout our lives and determine the choices and decisions we will make at some of the most critical times in our lives.  Will I take that first puff of marijuana?  Will I get out of bed and go to work today?  Will I steal this pair of sunglasses?  Will I lay my hands on my children in anger?  Will I follow this man into the gas station and beat him half to death? Will I drink and drive home today? Will I end up in jail, the hospital or the morgue?  Will I be responsible for killing a van full of teenagers? 

What if my uncle Jim had chosen a different path that day when I was with him?  What if he had never been cut off in traffic in the first place?  What if he had not chased that poor man down?  What if I had not been with him that day?  Would this core belief that was instilled in me that day in the car have been different?  If so, would I have made different choices in my life around the middle finger?  Nobody knows how our lives would have turned out had circumstances been different.  What I do know, is that I now have the opportunity in MY life to make choices on what core beliefs and values I instill in my children, and the children around me.  And so do you.  Our children’s brains are like hard drives and each one of our words and actions, especially in their youngest years, are the programming we are giving them.  Their core beliefs and values, in terms of self esteem, kindness, drive to success, goals, anger, sadness and every one of their personality traits will be determined by the words you say and the actions that you show. 

So the next time you are with your kids, or anyone else’s for that matter, ask yourself if what you are saying and doing, is instilling in them the types of core values and beliefs that will shape their lives in a positive way, or a negative way.  Tell them how smart they are, not how stupid they are.  Tell them how beautiful they are, not how ugly.  Tell them they can do anything they set their minds to, not that they can never do anything right.  Address issues like racism, bullying, harassment and substance abuse in positive ways and make sure that you tell them every day that you love them so that they will grow up loving themselves.

Lastly, if you were programmed in your early life with core values that are not working for you today in positive ways, it is never too late to question them.  There are many resources available to do a little reprogramming and tweak your core values and beliefs in a more positive direction.  Do it, if not for yourselves, then most definitely for your loved ones and their future generations.  Break the cycle of negativity now, and ensure that your legacy is one of positive change, that will live on forever.