GUARANTEED PATHWAY TO SUCCESS

If you don’t know where you are going, how are you going to get there?  Imagine having this desire to achieve something great.  You just know you are meant to do so.  You can just see the wonderful life that lies ahead of you.  Maybe you wish to own a beautiful home, or drive that new sports car you have always envisioned.  So you visualize it, you dream about it and you wait for it to happen to you.  Yet you have been visualizing and dreaming for awhile now, and it has yet to happen.  Why is that?  How can we turn our dreams into reality?  How can we truly achieve our GOALS?

Goal setting is a crucial part of realizing our dreams, yet something so many of us fail to do.  In the next few minutes of reading, I am going to explain to you the SMART System for setting goals, and then I am going to give you the secret to turning a great plan into reality.  If you follow this system and the secret to success, your dreams will come true.

SPECIFIC                     Goals must be very clear and specific.  There is no room for vagueness or  ambiguities.   Describe it in detail so you know exactly where you are going.

MEASURABLE              You must be able to know without a doubt how you are doing in attaining your goal.  Being rich is not measurable.  Earning $10,000 per month is.

ATTAINABLE                Don’t set goals you cannot reach.  Setting yourself up to fail will lead to all the negative emotions that come with it.  Make sure your goals are realistic.

RELEVANT                    Goals that are specific, measureable and attainable but not relevant to where you want to go in your life are useless.  Make sure all of your goals are in line with the success you wish to achieve.

TIME-BOUND                All of your goals must have time limits and should fall into the category of short term or long term goals with matching time boundaries.

OK so now that you understand the criteria to setting goals, it’s time to put into place a plan to achieve them.  First start by asking yourself the question, “Where do I want to be in a year?”  Make sure this is in relation to your goal.  For example is the goal is about losing weight, make sure your answer to that question is related to your weight loss.  This will give you a long term goal.  Next, ask yourself, what you need to do this month that will contribute to your reaching that long term goal.  This will be your month long goal.  For example, if your 1 year goal is to lose 60 lbs, then you know you must lose 5 lbs each month to get there.  Finally, ask yourself what you need to do this week to achieve your monthly goal.  To lose 5 lbs each month, you will need to lose 1-2 lbs per week.  At this time, make sure your goal fits the SMART criteria.  If 1-2 lbs per week is not ATTAINABLE, then you will need to re-examine the monthly goals and inevitably your one year long term goal. 

So you now have a long term SMART goal, along with the short term goals to get you there.  Are we done?  Nope.  It is now time to break your weekly goals into ACTION STEPS that will get you there.  These ACTION STEPS are things you will do every day that will help you achieve your weekly goals.  So sticking with weight loss, an action step for today might be “Eat at home, no restaurants.” or “Do 30 minutes of physical activity.” or “No alcohol.”  These daily action steps will be the steps needed to attain your goals, and easily manageable day by day.  No matter what your goal, make sure that your daily action steps get you to where you are going.  Also, assign a points system to your daily action steps.  Each action step is worth 1 point.  Achieving the step, give yourself a point.  Failing to achieve it, deduct a point.  Work towards getting 25 points per week.  This is approx 4 points per day.  4 daily action steps each day towards your goal, will, with no doubt, see you achieving your goals each week and month and subsequently, you will achieve your long term goal.

Lastly, I said at the beginning of this blog post, that I will also give you a secret which will guarantee your success.  This system of SMART goal setting, along with daily action steps as described above works, there is no doubt in that.  However it only works if you hold yourself accountable to the system, and if you are like some people, accountability is often where the train gets derailed.  Therefore, the secret is to find someone in your life that WILL hold you accountable.  For me, this is a coach.  Like some people have personal trainers, I have a coach that is not only holding me accountable but also assisting me in the setting of my goals.  I currently have 4 long term goals that I am working towards.  I also have monthly and weekly goals which if followed will guarantee my success in my long term goals.  And of course my daily actions steps keep me on track each day, with my coach holding me accountable.  Now to fail, I would have to lie to myself and my coach, neither of which I intend on doing.  Will there be difficult days?  Sure of course there will.  And for those days I will have my coach to help me get through.  Your coach need not be a professional like mine, but you will need someone to hold you accountable.  Sometimes your best bet is someone close to you with like minded goals.  Sometimes it is someone not too close to you, who will push you when you need it.  Whoever that is, if you truly want to succeed, this system, combined with accountability from a coach or a friend, is your pathway to success.

Forgiveness is a Gift You Give yourself

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”

                                    Tony Robbins

Have you ever been wronged?  How about betrayed?  Maybe you have been hurt, physically or emotionally.  Perhaps the term stabbed in the back fits.  Most of us can relate to all of the above.  Pain and misfortune are a part of life, and inevitably, there will be those times when the person that causes us this pain is someone closest to us.  And there will inevitably be those times when the betrayal is so hurtful that it ends a relationship and leaves with it emotional scars that will be felt for years to come.

There have been those times in my life.  Some happened in the distant past, and some in the not so distant.  One in particular still haunted my thoughts and dreams up until very recently.  The level of betrayal by someone closest to me was unspeakable, and for almost two years, I struggled to come to terms with what happened.  For almost two years I held onto the rage, the hatred and the feelings of self pity that always accompanied them.  I remember sitting down with a mentor several weeks ago, a friend who I can turn to and discuss even the darkest of thoughts safely.  He said, “Jeff, you are going to have to let go of this at some point.  Just forgive him and move on.”

As a trainer and coach of others, I was quite familiar with the concept of forgiveness.  I have spoken to many groups and discussed this very topic.  I had also engaged in debates with people as to whether or not they could or should forgive the most serious of offenders in their lives.  I have helped others let go of their anger and hatred of some pretty terrible people.  But this, well this was different wasn’t it?  I mean, what this man had done to my family, this level of betrayal, it must be different right?  This person must be one of those rare cases where forgiveness was not possible.  But who was I hurting?  Did I expect that my anger would somehow punish my transgressor?  If not, then who was being punished? 

“Jeff.” said my mentor, “Stop being the victim.  Stop allowing this person to continue to victimize your family.  He has a hold on you that until you release, will continue to affect your life and the lives of those closest to you in negative ways.  Stop talking about this, stop thinking about this and forgive him once and for all and move on.” 

Anger clouds wisdom.  Emotions can often blur even the most obvious of remedies.  The law of emotional intelligence states that when emotions go up, intelligence goes down.  Thankfully, I surround myself with people who can remind me when I stumble of just how important it is to stay on the path, trust the processes I teach others and continue to eliminate one by one, the toxic influences and energies in my life. 

I didn’t forgive right there, on the spot.  Forgiveness is a personal thing and is often best done in private.  Instead I scheduled myself some alone time later that evening to reflect and do my work.  Forgiving this person, does not mean I forget what he did.  It does not mean I once again allow this person into my life.  It doesn’t even mean I am obligated to advise him that he has been forgiven.  What it means is I will let go of my rage, let go of my pity and let go of the mental and emotional hold that he still had on me and my family.  So I sat down, legs crossed and visualized my ex-best friend sitting across from me.  And aloud, I began to say, “I forgive you for betraying me.  I forgive you for putting my children’s lives at risk.  I forgive you for...” and with each statement, the weight on my shoulders I had held for almost 2 years began to lift.  It was a process, one that I chose to do a few times to really purge the negativity, but I can tell you that weeks after this process, I rarely think about him, and when I do, the emotions that emerge and their levels have changed completely.  No longer does hatred or rage emerge.  Sure there is some sadness, and maybe one day I can work on that too.  Or maybe I will hold onto just a little bit of that sadness to remind me to stay on the path and trust the process when things seem darkest.

Now ask yourself.  Who do YOU need to forgive?

Because Dad Said So...

When I was a child, I remember quite vividly the day that a male authority figure, who I will call Uncle Jim, someone I trusted, believed in and looked up to, gave me what I am sure at the time he felt was some pretty great advice.  I remember as I sat in the passenger seat of his car when he was cut off in traffic.  He honked his horn at the other driver, and was immediately shown the middle finger.  I was old enough to know what this meant, but had no idea that what would happen next, would impact my life forever.  Uncle Jim, turned his car around, and quickly sped off after the other driver.  I watched as this driver pulled into a gas station, Uncle Jim followed, got out of his car and physically beat the men to what seemed like an inch of his life.  He got back in the car, and drove away, explaining to me, and this is the important part, that “getting the finger” was the biggest personal insult someone can give you.  In his words, it was the ultimate sign of disrespect and if it ever happened to me, I should do the same thing that he had just done.  

This imprinted in my mind, and for the rest of my childhood and early adult life, “the finger” became an issue for me several times.  Viewing it as the ultimate sign of disrespect, whenever I really wanted to tell someone off, I wielded it quickly and freely.  And whenever it was sent my way, I reacted with rage and physical violence.  It is no exaggeration that my beliefs about the middle finger, stemming from Uncle Jim’s advice from my early childhood, caused me to do things into my adult life that I am not proud of, and regret to this very day.

Then somewhere around my mid 20’s, I found myself again in the passenger seat of a vehicle, with a close friend of mine driving, when he too was cut off and given a very personal close up view of the same finger by the other driver.  “Let’s get him bro!”  I shouted.  To which my friend replied, “Dude it’s no big deal.”  “No big deal, bro this guy just flipped you the bird, let’s go get him.”  “Bro,” he said, “it’s only a finger.”  “Only a finger?” I thought to myself.  Did my friend not understand that he had just been shown the ultimate level of disrespect, and that man code called for a firm beating.  Did he not get it?  So I pressed him, angry at him for not doing the right thing.  He pulled his car over and said, “Dude, look at you, you’re shaking.  What’s the big deal?  You can’t go around beating up everyone that shoots you the finger.”  

This was a pivotal moment in my life and one of the first times that I was forced to question a core belief.  You see questioning our core beliefs and values, which are given to us in the earliest days of our lives, means questioning the people that instilled them into us in the first place.  Our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings, teachers, best friends and neighbors; these are the people closest to us, the programmers that guide us throughout our lives and determine the choices and decisions we will make at some of the most critical times in our lives.  Will I take that first puff of marijuana?  Will I get out of bed and go to work today?  Will I steal this pair of sunglasses?  Will I lay my hands on my children in anger?  Will I follow this man into the gas station and beat him half to death? Will I drink and drive home today? Will I end up in jail, the hospital or the morgue?  Will I be responsible for killing a van full of teenagers? 

What if my uncle Jim had chosen a different path that day when I was with him?  What if he had never been cut off in traffic in the first place?  What if he had not chased that poor man down?  What if I had not been with him that day?  Would this core belief that was instilled in me that day in the car have been different?  If so, would I have made different choices in my life around the middle finger?  Nobody knows how our lives would have turned out had circumstances been different.  What I do know, is that I now have the opportunity in MY life to make choices on what core beliefs and values I instill in my children, and the children around me.  And so do you.  Our children’s brains are like hard drives and each one of our words and actions, especially in their youngest years, are the programming we are giving them.  Their core beliefs and values, in terms of self esteem, kindness, drive to success, goals, anger, sadness and every one of their personality traits will be determined by the words you say and the actions that you show. 

So the next time you are with your kids, or anyone else’s for that matter, ask yourself if what you are saying and doing, is instilling in them the types of core values and beliefs that will shape their lives in a positive way, or a negative way.  Tell them how smart they are, not how stupid they are.  Tell them how beautiful they are, not how ugly.  Tell them they can do anything they set their minds to, not that they can never do anything right.  Address issues like racism, bullying, harassment and substance abuse in positive ways and make sure that you tell them every day that you love them so that they will grow up loving themselves.

Lastly, if you were programmed in your early life with core values that are not working for you today in positive ways, it is never too late to question them.  There are many resources available to do a little reprogramming and tweak your core values and beliefs in a more positive direction.  Do it, if not for yourselves, then most definitely for your loved ones and their future generations.  Break the cycle of negativity now, and ensure that your legacy is one of positive change, that will live on forever.

Don't be a Debbie Downer

One of the keys to success in business and in life lies in who and what type of energy you chose to surround yourself with.  Energy is magnetic, in that the bigger the energy, the more it attracts the energy of those around it.  Not only does it attract the energy, it can actually alter the energy or the mood around it, to be more in line with its own.  Let me explain.

Like many generation x'ers I grew on a popular television variety show called Saturday Night Live.  Yes maybe I fell a little too hard for Rosana Rosana Dana and perhaps I lose the younger crowd when I make the occassional conehead joke during my training, but SNL had a way of making us laugh like few others (sorry Mad TV).  Imagine then the joy I experienced on May 1st, 2004, when I found myself LMAO to a new character on SNL played by Rachel Dratch, called Debbie Downer.  Debbie Downer had a way of taking ANY experience, no matter how fun and amazing, and turning it into a moment so depressing, that everyone in the room had to cringe.  In short, Debbie Downer became a term I now use for anyone who literally "sucks the fun" out of life.  For those interested in seeing what I mean, follow this link...but be prepared to pee your pants.

http://limare.buzznet.com/user/video/12536/saturday-night-live-debbie-downer/

OK so hopefully you just spent 6 minutes laughing and smiling, and you are now pretty sure of what I mean when I call someone a Debbie Downer.  Who among us doesn't know at least one Debbie Downer in their lives.  You sit down to chat with them, and within seconds, they are telling you about how the IRS is auditing them, or their ex wife is once again suing for more child support, which they would be happy to pay if the price of gas was not so high (OK maybe even I am a little guilty of that last one myself).  The point is Debbie Downers are fun suckers.  It is difficult at the very least, to truly enjoy your day when there is a Debbie Downer in the room.

What if, instead of surrounding ourselves with Debbie Downers, we chose instead to avoid them?  We didn't answer their calls, we weren't available when they had social events and we stood chuckling silently on the other side of our door when they came knocking.  What if we then took it a step further, and chose to surround ourselves with the exact opposite personality type to the Debbie Downer (I don't have a catchy name for this person but I am open to suggestions)  Do you know anyone, who no matter how you are feeling, just being around them brings a smile to your face?  If you do, why not chose to spend more time with that person? (And yes my schedule is always open to brighten your day) If you don't know anyone like this, well then get out there and find one as quickly as you can.  Find a friend that makes you laugh and smile, and watch how this lifts you up and brightens your day.

Lastly, ask yourself what type of energy footprint do YOU wish to leave in your wake every day?  We all have the ability to be a Debbie Downer, no matter how positive we may think we are.  Who doesn't have bad days?  Conversely, we all also have the ability to put a smile on someone's face if we chose to do so.  So the next time you are standing in line at the bank, or cashing out at the supermarket,  smile and tell the people you interact with to have a great day.  Compliment them on their service or their outfit or their smile.  Chose to leave people just a little bit happier than they were when you met them.  If we all did this, would the world not be a better place to live?  I think it would!

"Failure is not an option"...really?

“Damn!!  I really screwed that up!”  or “How could I have been so stupid to make that mistake?”

Sound familiar?  Because there is a really good chance that you have said this or something VERY similar to it the last time you made a mistake.  The truth is that people really do not like making mistakes.  A mistake means that you failed at whatever task you set out to accomplish, and if society has taught us one thing about failure, is that “failure is not an option”.  That phrase can be found on Youtube in the form of video clips, it can be found on Amazon in the form of a book, it can be found on T-Shirts in the form of catch phrases and it can be found driven deep into our psyche as a misguided way to motivate us towards success.   Failure is not an option.

Ask yourself this, if failure is not an option, why is it that it happens every minute of every hour of every day of the year, in every town, city and country on the planet?  The truth is failure is inevitable and mistakes are inevitable, because if they were not, that would mean that we are perfect.  And nobody’s perfect.

I don’t think this is mind blowing stuff here.  I don’t think I am telling you something you don’t already know.  Ask ourselves this though.  If we already know we aren’t perfect, and we already know that we will make mistakes and we already know that failure is a part of our lives, past, present and future, then why do we beat ourselves up so much when it happens?  I will tell you why.  Because we have all been conditioned that failure is not an option, and therefore, failure and mistakes bring along with them, those oh too familiar emotions: anger, sadness, embarrassment and guilt.  Yuck.  Did anyone here order the Failure Special with a side order of guilt or embarrassment?  Did you order the Anger Sundae for dessert?  I didn’t think so.  So why are we choking it all down?

"I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work." –Edison regarding the invention of the light bulb.

Thomas Edison viewed each failure as a success.  He viewed each failure as a learning opportunity.  Now let’s be frank here.  Not many of us have the type of drive, dedication and perseverance to learn 700 times how not to do something, but the truth is many of beat ourselves up after even a single mistake.  Many of us get angry at ourselves, get down on ourselves, listen to that little voice in our head tell us how worthless we are, and then we quit, never to try again.

I was training a class a few weeks ago, and one of my students made a mistake.  I could see instantly how embarrassed and upset at himself he got.  I walked right over to him and put my hand in the air to give him a high 5, and said “Yea, way to go, great job!”  Well, he looked at me, puzzled and asked why I was congratulating him on making a mistake.  I told him it wasn’t a mistake.  I told him it was a learning opportunity, and to take advantage of that learning opportunity and try again.  He did.  And he was successful.  All mistakes are learning opportunities.  All mistakes give us knowledge and bring us one step closer to success.  The only failure, is giving up and never trying again.