Forgiveness is a Gift You Give yourself

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”

                                    Tony Robbins

Have you ever been wronged?  How about betrayed?  Maybe you have been hurt, physically or emotionally.  Perhaps the term stabbed in the back fits.  Most of us can relate to all of the above.  Pain and misfortune are a part of life, and inevitably, there will be those times when the person that causes us this pain is someone closest to us.  And there will inevitably be those times when the betrayal is so hurtful that it ends a relationship and leaves with it emotional scars that will be felt for years to come.

There have been those times in my life.  Some happened in the distant past, and some in the not so distant.  One in particular still haunted my thoughts and dreams up until very recently.  The level of betrayal by someone closest to me was unspeakable, and for almost two years, I struggled to come to terms with what happened.  For almost two years I held onto the rage, the hatred and the feelings of self pity that always accompanied them.  I remember sitting down with a mentor several weeks ago, a friend who I can turn to and discuss even the darkest of thoughts safely.  He said, “Jeff, you are going to have to let go of this at some point.  Just forgive him and move on.”

As a trainer and coach of others, I was quite familiar with the concept of forgiveness.  I have spoken to many groups and discussed this very topic.  I had also engaged in debates with people as to whether or not they could or should forgive the most serious of offenders in their lives.  I have helped others let go of their anger and hatred of some pretty terrible people.  But this, well this was different wasn’t it?  I mean, what this man had done to my family, this level of betrayal, it must be different right?  This person must be one of those rare cases where forgiveness was not possible.  But who was I hurting?  Did I expect that my anger would somehow punish my transgressor?  If not, then who was being punished? 

“Jeff.” said my mentor, “Stop being the victim.  Stop allowing this person to continue to victimize your family.  He has a hold on you that until you release, will continue to affect your life and the lives of those closest to you in negative ways.  Stop talking about this, stop thinking about this and forgive him once and for all and move on.” 

Anger clouds wisdom.  Emotions can often blur even the most obvious of remedies.  The law of emotional intelligence states that when emotions go up, intelligence goes down.  Thankfully, I surround myself with people who can remind me when I stumble of just how important it is to stay on the path, trust the processes I teach others and continue to eliminate one by one, the toxic influences and energies in my life. 

I didn’t forgive right there, on the spot.  Forgiveness is a personal thing and is often best done in private.  Instead I scheduled myself some alone time later that evening to reflect and do my work.  Forgiving this person, does not mean I forget what he did.  It does not mean I once again allow this person into my life.  It doesn’t even mean I am obligated to advise him that he has been forgiven.  What it means is I will let go of my rage, let go of my pity and let go of the mental and emotional hold that he still had on me and my family.  So I sat down, legs crossed and visualized my ex-best friend sitting across from me.  And aloud, I began to say, “I forgive you for betraying me.  I forgive you for putting my children’s lives at risk.  I forgive you for...” and with each statement, the weight on my shoulders I had held for almost 2 years began to lift.  It was a process, one that I chose to do a few times to really purge the negativity, but I can tell you that weeks after this process, I rarely think about him, and when I do, the emotions that emerge and their levels have changed completely.  No longer does hatred or rage emerge.  Sure there is some sadness, and maybe one day I can work on that too.  Or maybe I will hold onto just a little bit of that sadness to remind me to stay on the path and trust the process when things seem darkest.

Now ask yourself.  Who do YOU need to forgive?