Are You Likeable?

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20’s, I remember very well sitting in my dad’s office in Mississauga, where one of the most important conversations of my life took place...I had just started working for my dad, and was having difficulty navigating the corporate landscape...apparently, some people were complaining about me and truth be told, I had no idea what the problem was...

“People just don’t like you Jeff.” Dad advised me.

“Well that’s their problem.  I’m nice to them.  I’m not rude.  I don’t know what their issues are but I don’t care if they like me of not.  They can all go **** themselves for all I care” I replied with the cockiness and arrogance of your typical 23 year old that had just triggered his father in any way you can imagine.  “I mean, what is their problem?” 

 

“The problem is you’re an a**hole.” my dad interjected with his usual subtle approach.

You see, back then, Dad and I had a dicey relationship.  I triggered the hell out of him and he knew just the look or cutting words that would shut me up...but this time, I wasn’t going to just quietly walk away, bruised ego, tail between my legs, to my office where I would sit in that angry hurt place that didn’t accomplish anything...no way, today I wanted to know WHY my dad had just called me an asshole.  So I toughed it out and asked him what he meant.  In the following half hour or so I got some of the best advice I had ever received from my father and it stuck with me.  Here are some of the things my dad said to me that day.

#1 – Try and go a whole day without saying the words “I” or “me”...my first reply was “I can do that” lol...which pretty much meant I was going to struggle with this task.  That day he explained to me that people in general really don’t care about you...I’m not talking about your close friends and family, of course they care and want to know about your day and your life but when it comes to others, like coworkers, acquaintances and people you are meeting for the first time, trust me when I say that the vast majority of them would rather spend all of their time talking about themselves than listening to you do the same.  God gave us 1 mouth and 2 ears...which might mean it would be good to listen twice as much as we talk...and it isn’t enough to just talk less about yourself, it really helps to pay close attention and show general interest in what others have to say...ask questions about them and ask them to elaborate when they tell you something about themselves.  When you show a sincere interest in others, and not spend your time checking your watch or your email or glancing at your phone every 30 seconds, people will appreciate it...make eye contact and maintain it...who knows, you might even learn something...and knowledge is power...especially if you find yourself in any business dealings with that person down the road. 

#2 – No matter how good your story is, never tell one that is better than the other persons.  This was golden...how many times have you seen it happen, or has it happened to you...One person tells a story, for example, about the fish they caught that day, or the party they went to the night before, and then without missing a beat, another person “one up’s” them...What that second person is really saying is that “oh great story and all, but mine is better so I’m gonna tell you right now just how much better and totally kill your vibe”...and that is exactly what it does...it takes the wind out of that first person’s sail...maybe it shouldn’t, maybe in a perfect world, we could just high five each other with sincerity, but in the world we live in, competition is everywhere...and the easiest way to hurt someone’s feelings is  to dismiss their story by telling a better one...Instead, bite your tongue, high five them for a great story, even if to you it isn’t so great, and avoid the temptation to one up them.

#3 – Don’t be disagreeable...Whether or not you agree with someone, it isn’t necessary for you to share it...Especially when the conversation revolves around things of a serious nature such as religion or politics, which by the way are great topics to avoid altogether...sometimes it’s ok to simply nod your head and listen...This doesn’t mean that you have to compromise your morals or ethics, it simply means, pick and choose your battles...does this new person you just met at a party or business or networking function really need to be told they are wrong in their beliefs,  just because you disagree with them?  It also doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.  Instead, gently change the topic to something more positive and less controversial in nature.  If the person doesn’t want to, make an excuse to end the conversation and politely move on to less choppy waters.

#4 – Don’t come on too strong...I’ve been told I have a good sense of humor...I have been told I can brighten up a room and make people laugh...this doesn’t mean I have to do it the second I arrive...it doesn’t mean I have to do it all day and night...sometimes it’s good to give others the spotlight, and just STFU...I’ve learned to STFU over the years, and pick my spots...Sometimes, a half dozen well placed humorous comments are much better than playing the role of the stand up comedian all night...leave them wanting more...and this will also avoid stepping on the toes of the other self professed comedians in the room...now all that being said, sometimes when you are fire, just go with the flow, especially if the other guy isn’t getting the job done! 

These are just 4 of the suggestions that my dad gave me that day...And over the years I have always tried to remember that it is good to be likeable...Likeability opens doors...it makes friends...it means that when people talk about you when you AREN’T around, they will generally be saying nice things...And when you consider the alternatives, well, I am sure you get the point.  Things with my dad by the way have never been better.  We’re BFF’s for sure!  Gone are the days when my dad needs to call me an a**hole...but I suspect that if I ever needed to hear it, he’d be happy to get me pointed back in the right direction!!  And that’s ok with me!