You Look Very Nice Today

“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel they have not said enough.”

― Mark Twain

Who doesn't love a compliment.  It makes us feel good about ourselves...it makes us feel special, for a brief moment...it gives us confidence, self esteem and puts a little swagger in our step.  Complimenting someone is a great way to spread positive energy.  When someone is down, a well placed word of praise or encouragement can completely turn around someone’s day...However, for some, a compliment is difficult to receive.

“That’s a really beautiful dress.”

“Oh this old thing?  It’s nothing special.”

Many people have difficulty receiving compliments.  In fact, some people downright hate them.  How receptive we are to receiving compliments, in many cases, reflects how we feel about ourselves.  A sense of low self esteem or self worth tends to get in the way of the compliment, because it contradicts the way we feel about ourselves.  For these people, compliments make them feel uncomfortable and confused...This discomfort and confusion often leads people with low self esteem to seek out friends and relationships in which their own views of themselves are supported...relationships in which emotional, verbal and often physical abuse is present.  In many cases being emotionally and verbally chopped down aligns with their own views and feelings of self worth, and although it hurts at the time, it causes less discomfort than being around people who prop you up with compliments and positive energy...More often than not, this stems from a childhood in which this type of abuse was present in the home...Truth is if you are told through your childhood that you are worthless, you will believe it...you will then seek out relationships in your adult life that reinforce these views...

So what can we do about it?  Well first and foremost, for those parents out there reading my blog, please understand that you are on the front lines of your children’s emotional well being.  It all starts with you.  So it is important that you begin by understanding your own sense of self esteem and self worth.  There are cycles in all things in life and our ability to parent is directly related to how we were parented when we were children and will directly impact our children's ability to parent down the road.  Understanding what makes you tick will go a long way to stopping the cycle of low self esteem. 

For example, if you suffer from any form of addiction, whether it be alcohol, drugs, gambling etc, it is important to understand the effect this has on your children’s self esteem.  These effects stem largely from two main behavioral traits associated with addiction.  The first is the fact that your children come to understand very quickly that they take a back seat to your addiction.  Promising a trip to the park and then putting it off because you are on your 6^th beer and have your friends over lets the child know exactly where your priorities lie.  By putting the addiction first, the children question their value and this leads to low self worth.  The second behavioral trait is the mood swings that accompany addictions.  These mood swings are drastic.  One minute, when you are down and awaiting a drink or a fix, you are grumpy, quick to anger, lashing out for what seems like no reason...then suddenly, once your thirst is quenched, you become their best friend, ready to play games with them, telling them how much you love them over and over again...These two extremes confuse the children...they begin to think that your moods are related to them...that your lows are their faults...they crave the highs, but these highs are too extreme and only temporary...These ups and downs, which will be present in virtually every addiction, have a very strong effect on your children’s self esteem and make no mistake about it, are a form of emotional abuse. 

Children with low self esteem are also often the victims of bullying at school.  Whether it is because they don’t take as good of care of their appearance, don’t excel at sports or academics or suffer from depression or anxiety, these children often make the perfect targets, once again creating a life where compliments are few and far between.  It is no wonder they have difficulty receiving them.  Combine the time children spend at school being bullied and at home being abused, and you can quickly understand why they grow up believing they are worthless, and in a great many cases turn to substance abuse themselves, hence continuing the cycle.

Now ask yourself a question.  Are you comfortable with the knowledge that your children’s future, which is in your hands, will be one in which they will feel low self worth? If you aren’t, then it’s time to stop the cycle.  The moment is now.  It is time to begin complimenting your children instead of knocking them down.  It is time to be a part of the solution instead of part of the problem.  If you are in the midst of an addiction, or if you suffer from low self esteem, you need to seek help.  .  There are more than enough resources, programs and therapists out there to help you change your life and the future of your children and grandchildren.  Understand that failing to address the root cause of your own behavior, your self esteem issues and your own substance abuse, will not effect positive change in your life or the lives of your children.  You can't just say, "Hey Jimmy you can be anything you want to be buddy." and then go hit the crack pipe.  

For those currently in abusive relationships, living with someone with substance abuse problems or suffering from your own addictions, whether you are current or future parents, its time to put an end to this cycle.  Its time to protect the children.  Its time to put them first.  Get help now.  Future generations of your blood line are counting on you.