Sitting in the car Christmas Day with my 12 year old daughter Jordan, having one of our regular hilarious conversations, I swear she is destined for stand up comedy, when she proclaims to me the following...
"Daddy," she says. "You will be so proud of me. I have started using the treadmill, and I plan to use to it for an hour every day from now on."
"Sweetheart, that is great news." I replied, as I went into a not so lengthy diatribe (lengthy ones are typically met with disapproval) about the benefits of physical fitness to the heart, body and mind.
Sure enough early the next day, I watched as she set her timer, put on the Family Channel, jumped on the treadmill and ran her little heart out to a Good Luck Charlie Christmas Special. The next day I watched as she again, although with slightly less exuberance, did her hour on the treadmill. Day three, well that was a little different.
"Did you get your treadmill time in today honey?" I asked around dinner time.
"No not today Daddy, I was feeling a little sick."
Sensing an opening, I asked a simple question..."An hour every day is a lot isn't it?"
"Yeah."
Now truth me told, it pained me to great lengths that first day to not counsel her at least a little bit about goal setting and biting off more than one can chew etc etc, but I decided that day not to rain on her parade even a little bit. But now was the right time to help clarify to her what she had learned all on own...a little debrief with my daughter if you will. She has now decided that her life is far to busy with friends, school, IPhones and IPads, sleeping and eating to find an hour every day to use the treadmill. 30 minutes, 3 times a week however, well she figures she can squeeze that in.
My point is two fold. First and foremost, as the New Year passes and we all decide on our resolutions, don't go overboard on it. Start small. Something you can keep, and grow if you find that its working for you. If you go big, you might find yourself stopping before you even get it off the ground. Second and perhaps most importantly, it's ok to NOT push our kids in what we feel is the right direction EVERY TIME we have a chance to do so. Inherent wisdom comes from failing and trying again. Encourage them, and then take the opportunities to help them learn from their own failures. Simply asking them the right questions can help them find their own way.
Thanks for reading my blog in 2013...Have a safe and happy New Years and I look forward to seeing you all again in 2014!!
Friday, 27 December 2013
Thursday, 12 December 2013
Sometimes I get so angry that I want to ...
Have you ever wondered why you do the things that you do? Have you wondered why certain things that happen in your life, cause certain emotional outbursts? Have you ever wondered why these outbursts can seem extreme and impossible to control? If you do, I have good news and bad news...The good news, is that you are normal...yup, perfectly normal, just like the rest of us who all experience emotional triggers, don't understand why and have difficulty controlling them. The bad news is that until you understand why this is happening to you, you will never be able to control them, and the dynamics of the relationships that they are affecting will never change.
Before I get to the four stages of personal growth that come into play in identifying, understanding and overcoming our emotional issues, lets start by setting a couple ground rules. Rule number one is that we are all a little messed up...Even The Beaver, with what seemed like perfect parents, has his issues...So to understand the process, its important to know that everyone can use a little personal growth. For those of you who are perfect, had perfect childhoods and don't need any guidance, please feel free to close your browser, turn on the Brady Bunch and watch what must have been a complete replica of your early lives. For the rest of us messed up, perfectly normal individuals who would like to understand why we sometimes have trouble controlling our emotions, please feel free to read on.
Rule number two is admitting that we all have triggers. Triggers, just like on a gun, are things that happen to us in our lives that send us immediately into an emotional state that exists outside of the normal day to day range. I am not talking about ups and downs, I am talking about sudden spikes where anger turns to rage, where we say or do things that we later regret. This is the spot we cannot control and this is the spot that affects are lives in negative ways.
With all of that being said, there are four stages of personal growth that once we decide to embark upon the journey we will all go through...here they are...
Stage 1 Unconscious Incompetence - This is the beginning of the journey...this is where we have no control over our emotional outburst (Incompetence) and we have no idea they even exist (Unconscious)...In this stage, we blame others for the conflicts we are in. We take no responsibility for them at all. We are completely unaware that they even exist and we live our lives playing the victim role, generally going from one relationship to the next, having difficulty making friends and keeping friends because after all, they are all crazy.
Stage 2 Conscious Incompetence - If you have made it to stage 2, congratulations. Give yourself a pat on the back and be proud of yourself, for you have decided to fix what is broken and get on the path of continuous improvement. But don't break your arm in doing so because you have a long ways to go. In this stage, you are still messed up (Incompetence) but at least you know it (Conscious)...In this stage, you have stopped blaming the world for your problems. You have started to become accountable for your actions...You now get it...You now understand what your triggers are and how they are affecting your life. Unfortunately you still aren't able to do anything about it. The reason is that the triggers are still controlling your emotions, and because of this, at the time of the trigger, you forget everything you learned. You still act out in rage, throw stuff, yell at people or if you are the passive aggressive type, you withdraw and give people the silent treatment...you don't yet know how to clean up your messes, but at least, once the smoke clears, you can reflect back and see the part you played.
Stage 3 Conscious Competence - In this stage, you are now totally accountable for your actions. You understand why you react (Conscious) and you have started to catch yourself and correct the behaviour (Competent). The time between trigger and accountability / correction isn't necessarily instantaneous, but the initial reactions are milder than they used to be, and you clean up your messes. You apologize for your part, communicate with those involved and often its "water under the bridge" in no time. Relationships are healthier, arguments are over quicker and everyone involved is happier for it. Once you reach this stage, you are in much better control of your emotions, and angry outbursts, although still possible, are few and far between and over quickly.
Stage 4 Unconscious Competence - This is the end of your journey. You now find yourself not even reacting to things that used to send you off the charts. You are no longer a slave to your triggers and it is no longer necessary for you put any effort into correcting the behavior. You are as cool as a cucumber. Congratulations, you are now the Dalai Lama.
Now ask yourself, are you in stage 1? If so, what are you waiting for? There are tools out there for you to begin the personal improvement process and start understanding what it is that makes you tick and what is stopping you from finding happiness in your life. These tools will help you to start loving yourself and making room for others to love you back. Its the 21st century and personal growth is for everyone. Good luck!!
Before I get to the four stages of personal growth that come into play in identifying, understanding and overcoming our emotional issues, lets start by setting a couple ground rules. Rule number one is that we are all a little messed up...Even The Beaver, with what seemed like perfect parents, has his issues...So to understand the process, its important to know that everyone can use a little personal growth. For those of you who are perfect, had perfect childhoods and don't need any guidance, please feel free to close your browser, turn on the Brady Bunch and watch what must have been a complete replica of your early lives. For the rest of us messed up, perfectly normal individuals who would like to understand why we sometimes have trouble controlling our emotions, please feel free to read on.
Rule number two is admitting that we all have triggers. Triggers, just like on a gun, are things that happen to us in our lives that send us immediately into an emotional state that exists outside of the normal day to day range. I am not talking about ups and downs, I am talking about sudden spikes where anger turns to rage, where we say or do things that we later regret. This is the spot we cannot control and this is the spot that affects are lives in negative ways.
With all of that being said, there are four stages of personal growth that once we decide to embark upon the journey we will all go through...here they are...
Stage 1 Unconscious Incompetence - This is the beginning of the journey...this is where we have no control over our emotional outburst (Incompetence) and we have no idea they even exist (Unconscious)...In this stage, we blame others for the conflicts we are in. We take no responsibility for them at all. We are completely unaware that they even exist and we live our lives playing the victim role, generally going from one relationship to the next, having difficulty making friends and keeping friends because after all, they are all crazy.
Stage 2 Conscious Incompetence - If you have made it to stage 2, congratulations. Give yourself a pat on the back and be proud of yourself, for you have decided to fix what is broken and get on the path of continuous improvement. But don't break your arm in doing so because you have a long ways to go. In this stage, you are still messed up (Incompetence) but at least you know it (Conscious)...In this stage, you have stopped blaming the world for your problems. You have started to become accountable for your actions...You now get it...You now understand what your triggers are and how they are affecting your life. Unfortunately you still aren't able to do anything about it. The reason is that the triggers are still controlling your emotions, and because of this, at the time of the trigger, you forget everything you learned. You still act out in rage, throw stuff, yell at people or if you are the passive aggressive type, you withdraw and give people the silent treatment...you don't yet know how to clean up your messes, but at least, once the smoke clears, you can reflect back and see the part you played.
Stage 3 Conscious Competence - In this stage, you are now totally accountable for your actions. You understand why you react (Conscious) and you have started to catch yourself and correct the behaviour (Competent). The time between trigger and accountability / correction isn't necessarily instantaneous, but the initial reactions are milder than they used to be, and you clean up your messes. You apologize for your part, communicate with those involved and often its "water under the bridge" in no time. Relationships are healthier, arguments are over quicker and everyone involved is happier for it. Once you reach this stage, you are in much better control of your emotions, and angry outbursts, although still possible, are few and far between and over quickly.
Stage 4 Unconscious Competence - This is the end of your journey. You now find yourself not even reacting to things that used to send you off the charts. You are no longer a slave to your triggers and it is no longer necessary for you put any effort into correcting the behavior. You are as cool as a cucumber. Congratulations, you are now the Dalai Lama.
Now ask yourself, are you in stage 1? If so, what are you waiting for? There are tools out there for you to begin the personal improvement process and start understanding what it is that makes you tick and what is stopping you from finding happiness in your life. These tools will help you to start loving yourself and making room for others to love you back. Its the 21st century and personal growth is for everyone. Good luck!!
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