New Years Resolutions

Sitting in the car Christmas Day with my 12 year old daughter Jordan, having one of our regular hilarious conversations, I swear she is destined for stand up comedy, when she proclaims to me the following...

"Daddy," she says.  "You will be so proud of me.  I have started using the treadmill, and I plan to use to it for an hour every day from now on."

"Sweetheart, that is great news."  I replied, as I went into a not so lengthy diatribe (lengthy ones are typically met with disapproval) about the benefits of physical fitness to the heart, body and mind. 

Sure enough early the next day, I watched as she set her timer, put on the Family Channel, jumped on the treadmill and ran her little heart out to a Good Luck Charlie Christmas Special.  The next day I watched as she again, although with slightly less exuberance, did her hour on the treadmill.  Day three, well that was a little different.

"Did you get your treadmill time in today honey?"  I asked around dinner time.

"No not today Daddy, I was feeling a little sick."

Sensing an opening, I asked a simple question..."An hour every day is a lot isn't it?"

"Yeah."

Now truth me told, it pained me to great lengths that first day to not counsel her at least a little bit about goal setting and biting off more than one can chew etc etc, but I decided that day not to rain on her parade even a little bit.  But now was the right time to help clarify to her what she had learned all on own...a little debrief with my daughter if you will.  She has now decided that her life is far to busy with friends, school, IPhones and IPads, sleeping and eating to find an hour every day to use the treadmill.  30 minutes, 3 times a week however, well she figures she can squeeze that in. 

My point is two fold.  First and foremost, as the New Year passes and we all decide on our resolutions, don't go overboard on it.  Start small.  Something you can keep, and grow if you find that its working for you.  If you go big, you might find yourself stopping before you even get it off the ground.  Second and perhaps most importantly, it's ok to NOT push our kids in what we feel is the right direction EVERY TIME we have a chance to do so.  Inherent wisdom comes from failing and trying again.  Encourage them, and then take the opportunities to help them learn from their own failures.  Simply asking them the right questions can help them find their own way.

Thanks for reading my blog in 2013...Have a safe and happy New Years and I look forward to seeing you all again in 2014!!

Sometimes I get so angry that I want to ...

Have you ever wondered why you do the things that you do?  Have you wondered why certain things that happen in your life, cause certain emotional outbursts?  Have you ever wondered why these outbursts can seem extreme and impossible to control?  If you do, I have good news and bad news...The good news, is that you are normal...yup, perfectly normal, just like the rest of us who all experience emotional triggers, don't understand why and have difficulty controlling them.  The bad news is that until you understand why this is happening to you, you will never be able to control them, and the dynamics of the relationships that they are affecting will never change. 

Before I get to the four stages of personal growth that come into play in identifying, understanding and overcoming our emotional issues, lets start by setting a couple ground rules.  Rule number one is that we are all a little messed up...Even The Beaver, with what seemed like perfect parents, has his issues...So to understand the process, its important to know that everyone can use a little personal growth.  For those of you who are perfect, had perfect childhoods and don't need any guidance, please feel free to close your browser, turn on the Brady Bunch and watch what must have been a complete replica of your early lives.  For the rest of us messed up, perfectly normal individuals who would like to understand why we sometimes have trouble controlling our emotions, please feel free to read on.

Rule number two is admitting that we all have triggers.  Triggers, just like on a gun, are things that happen to us in our lives that send us immediately into an emotional state that exists outside of the normal day to day range.  I am not talking about ups and downs, I am talking about sudden spikes where anger turns to rage, where we say or do things that we later regret.  This is the spot we cannot control and this is the spot that affects are lives in negative ways. 

With all of that being said, there are four stages of personal growth that once we decide to embark upon the journey we will all go through...here they are...

Stage 1 Unconscious Incompetence - This is the beginning of the journey...this is where we have no control over our emotional outburst (Incompetence) and we have no idea they even exist (Unconscious)...In this stage, we blame others for the conflicts we are in.  We take no responsibility for them at all.  We are completely unaware that they even exist and we live our lives playing the victim role, generally going from one relationship to the next, having difficulty making friends and keeping friends because after all, they are all crazy.

Stage 2 Conscious Incompetence - If you have made it to stage 2, congratulations.  Give yourself a pat on the back and be proud of yourself, for you have decided to fix what is broken and get on the path of continuous improvement.  But don't break your arm in doing so because you have a long ways to go.  In this stage, you are still messed up (Incompetence) but at least you know it (Conscious)...In this stage, you have stopped blaming the world for your problems.  You have started to become accountable for your actions...You now get it...You now understand what your triggers are and how they are affecting your life.  Unfortunately you still aren't able to do anything about it.  The reason is that the triggers are still controlling your emotions, and because of this, at the time of the trigger, you forget everything you learned.  You still act out in rage, throw stuff, yell at people or if you are the passive aggressive type, you withdraw and give people the silent treatment...you don't yet know how to clean up your messes, but at least, once the smoke clears, you can reflect back and see the part you played.

Stage 3 Conscious Competence - In this stage, you are now totally accountable for your actions.  You understand why you react (Conscious) and you have started to catch yourself and correct the behaviour (Competent).  The time between trigger and accountability / correction isn't necessarily instantaneous, but the initial reactions are milder than they used to be, and you clean up your messes.  You apologize for your part, communicate with those involved and often its "water under the bridge" in no time.  Relationships are healthier, arguments are over quicker and everyone involved is happier for it.  Once you reach this stage, you are in much better control of your emotions, and angry outbursts, although still possible, are few and far between and over quickly.

Stage 4 Unconscious Competence - This is the end of your journey.  You now find yourself not even reacting to things that used to send you off the charts.  You are no longer a slave to your triggers and it is no longer necessary for you put any effort into correcting the behavior.  You are as cool as a cucumber.  Congratulations, you are now the Dalai Lama.

Now ask yourself, are you in stage 1?  If so, what are you waiting for?  There are tools out there for you to begin the personal improvement process and start understanding what it is that makes you tick and what is stopping you from finding happiness in your life.  These tools will help you to start loving yourself and making room for others to love you back.  Its the 21st century and personal growth is for everyone.  Good luck!!   

Donated to Goodfellows again today...

First of all, this isn't a pat myself on the back posting to tell all my readers what a great guy I am, and get a bunch of replies telling me so...well not entirely anyways, and remember, flattery will get you everywhere...But I did want to take a few minutes to tell you about something that happened to me this morning...Like many people I know, I always make sure I give to Goodfellows as soon as I see one of their representatives, usually wearing nice warm "I'm ready to go fight a fire" apparel...I hand them whatever loose change I have, loonies, twoonies...hopefully totalling around $5 so I can feel like I really gave this year.  Then I put the Goodfellows newspaper on the dash to proudly display that Yes, I, Jeff Wilder, did my part this year to help those less fortunate than myself.  Or this is what I tell myself.  Truth be told, I display the newspaper for the same reason most people do.  To avoid having to give again.  Now don't feel bad if you do that too...I mean at least you gave once right?  Some people don't give at all...and we know who you are by the glaring absence of the newspaper on your dash.  Yes the newspaper...oh how proud I am to display it...just to show others how decent a human being I am...so here I am, this morning sitting at Tim Hortons, in the drive through, my paper visible upside down in the reflection of the wind shield, when I spotted the following headline...

"Without Local Charity, There Could Be No Christmas"

How sad I thought to myself.  No Christmas?  Are people in that dire straits that Christmas might be canceled?  That is when it hit me, and I am a little ashamed to admit it.  I have been so caught up lately in my own trials and tribulations that I forgot just how bad of shape the city of Windsor is in.  Numbers for October came in at 9%, the 2nd highest unemployment rate in the country.  And with the recent announcement of Heinz closing next year, the jobless rate in Essex County and Windsor will go even higher...No Christmas?  Well its great to see an organization such as Goodfellows, and all of these amazing volunteers, doing what they do for the city of Windsor and Essex County.

They say charity begins at home, and even though there are a great many less fortunate that need our help overseas, the Philippines for example, we should not forget our neighbors, friends and other members of our very own community.  So what do you ask did I do about it?  Well I did two things.  First I removed the newspaper from my smug dashboard, so that I may be greeted by more Goodfellows Volunteers...then a few minutes later, I found one..."pssst...they're everywhere!"...and gave him some actual paper money...and then when he offered me a paper in return, I declined, saying I already have one...His reply "Well you should put it in on your dash so we stop bothering you!"  You aren't bothering me my friend...and thank you for what you are doing for the city!!

Running THROUGH The Finish Line

Recently I was in British Columbia, hiking up a mountain, carrying a huge jug of water and backpack full of bricks, with a partner who was doing the same.  It was a test of strength and will, one in which I am proud to say I dug deep and surpassed my own expectations.  It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't accept failure as an option.  As I saw the finish line about 200 meters ahead, it would have been easy for me to put it on coast and cruise through, people cheering me on for having accomplished my goal.  My partner was sure to be happy with that plan.  What I did instead, with my legs burning, my back killing me and my feet full of blisters, was begin to run.  "What the heck are you doing?" asked my partner.  "Lets go man, we only have a little way left, lets sprint through the finish"  I looked as my partner started to pick up the pace...the pain was excruciating, but suddenly it didn't matter, as the only thing I cared about was getting to the finish line as quickly as possible.  Surprisingly I started to pick up speed, and it seemed the closer I got to the finish line the faster I ran, with my partner right by my side (OK maybe I was a little ahead of him)...The last 10 steps are etched into my memory.  The faster I ran, the louder the cheers got...our efforts had worked the crowd into a frenzy.  They were screaming "Go...Go...Go...Go..." and as we lunged through the finish line with every ounce of energy remaining in our bodies, the crowd went ballistic.  It was one of the proudest moments in my life, and one that I was only able to experience because I chose to, instead of jogging the last 200 meters and coasting to the finish line, to sprint and run through it as fast as I could.  And as I crossed, with absolutely nothing left in the tank, my legs feeling like rubber, the backpack feeling like it weighed 500 lbs, a wonderful thing happened.  My fellow competitors ran over to me and helped me to stand.  They removed the backpack.  They didn't allow me sit down, instead encouraging me to stand tall and put my hands up above my head to help the oxygen into my lungs.  They essentially caught me as I fell.

I have since thought back to that moment many times, and asked myself just how many times in my life had I slowed down when I saw the finish line.  How many times had I coasted through, admiring my accomplishments,  chit chatting with coworkers as deadlines passed.  Truth is the answer is too many.  Too often had I in life accomplished something great, only to then coast for a bit admiring myself and what I had done.  Too often had I closed a big account, only to high five my coworkers and head home early for the day or to the bar to have a drink for a job well done, instead of picking up the phone and closing another big account, or planting more seeds to be harvested the next day. 

Maybe its human nature to sit back on our laurels and pat ourselves on the back, but since that day, I have instead chosen to run THROUGH the finish line instead of TO it, and this has made huge differences in my life.  Friday afternoons are no longer my day to kick back and relax after a hard days work, they are used as an opportunity to further my business by getting a jump start on Monday.

The Olympics are fast approaching, and I am looking forward to watching athletes who have trained for years compete in their respective arenas where 1/100 of a second is the difference between being a champion or a runner up.  The difference between the cover of Sports Illustrated or a small picture on page 26.  You can bet at this level, none of these elite athletes will see the finish line and shift down and coast...instead, they will kick it into the highest gear they have, dig deep for that last amount of fuel in the tank, lean forward and use every last bit of willpower to burst THROUGH the finish line.  Isn't this the level you want to play at in your life?

New job? Follow these tips

In  these ever changing markets, it seems the days of getting a job, working for the same employer for 25 or 30 years, retiring with a cushy pension and riding into the sunset happily ever after, are over, at least for most of us.  Therefor, many people in the workforce, will be faced, either today or soon, with starting a new job.  Whether the time is now, or if you are considering a change in career paths in the near future, there are a few things you need to know, or should know, to make the transition as smooth and fruitful as possible.

1/  Shhhhhhhhhhh...

There is a saying that goes something like this - "They thought I was a (insert colorful pronoun here) until I opened my mouth and proved it to be true."  Look, as charming, funny and entertaining as you might be or believe yourself to be, coming on too strong your first few days/weeks/months in a new job is a sure fire way to alienate yourself amongst your new peers.  Odds are that you will soon find yourself the fodder of many of the conversations around the water cooler, and they won't be about how charming and funny you are.  Truth is that this backfires in many ways, and many people try too hard to make impressions too quickly.   Allow your actions to speak for you, as you show that you are a valuable member of this new team.  Don't risk offending people you barely know with a sense of humor that may not go over so well.  Instead, use the time in a new job, to quietly observe others.  Learn the landscape.  Don't steal the spotlights from others.  Don't "one up" others stories.  Show genuine interest in what your new co-workers have to say.  Ask questions and learn from the answers.  All of that being said, don't be afraid to contribute to the work talk with your innovative ideas and suggestions. 

2/ Serve First

I recently started a new position, a part time job, that to be honest, wasn't really something that excited me, but it fit my needs in terms of time frames between contracts, and it beat laying around the house collecting unemployment.  My first day on the job, I started walking up to people asking if there was anything I could do to help them.  It was amazing the response that I got.  First I was greeted with a smile, and either a polite "No I'm good, but thank you." or "Sure I could use a hand with this or that".  Either way, word got out quickly how nice a guy I was, and it spread all over the company, including up into management.  Soon everybody was noticing that I was helping others in the company whenever I had a free minute from my own duties.  You see, I served first.  I put the needs of others in front of my own, and it paid off.  Serve first, and you will see it pay off in spades.

3/  Avoid the Gossip

It is inevitable, in any job, that you will be approached usually sooner than later, by one or more of the resident gossipers.  They are everywhere.  And all they want to do is engage you in the story of the day about so and so and what they are up to.  Here is where you have options.  Option #1 would be to engage with that person, thinking that they want to be your new friend.  After all, who doesn't want a new friend at a new job.  But beware the wolf in sheep's clothing because the one who gossips to you will inevitably gossip about you.  Option #2 would be to just ignore it, smile, nod your head and keep your mouth shut.  This way you don't get dragged in, but you also won't make an enemy.  #3 would be to let the person know you are not one to gossip and have them move along, which will likely put you his or her crosshairs and make you the target of further gossiping.  If that happens, shrug it off and ignore it.  Really, who cares what the gossipers say about you.  This crowd isn't happy unless they are talking about someone, so don't let it get to you. 

So here it is, a few tips that will help you settling into your new work place.  Basically, avoid the negative energy.  It's a virus, and if you catch it, you will spread it.  Stay positive, smile, do your job, and over time, your will find a social circle of like minded coworkers, who will trust you and like you for who you are.

What? Me Worry?

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” - Mark Twain

In today's world, there are plenty of things to worry about and the list seems to grow everyday. And every day, I meet people in my personal and work activities, who demonstrate through their words and their actions that they spend far too much of their time worrying.  What do they worry about?  Well that depends on the person, however inevitably their worries fall into one of two catergoris...THINGS I CAN CONTROL and THINGS I CANNOT CONTROL.

Before we delve into these further, let's define worrying.  According to the Websters Dictionary worrying is defined as "To feel or experience distress or anxiety".  The act of worrying is nothing more than a mental and emotional way to cause ourselves unhappiness, stress and anxiety.  It is bad for our health and wellness and leads to a great many physical and emotional illnesses.

1)  Things I cannot control

If you find yourself spending any time at all worrying about things that you have no control over in your life, you need to STOP NOW.  By definition, you have no control over these things and whether they happen or not, hence worrying about them is accomplishing nothing positive in your life.  Let's face it, from time to time circumstances or events will occur that will be of an unpleasant nature.  Tragedy and misfortune are a part of life.

"Sunny days wouldn't be special, if it wasn't for rain
Joy wouldn't feel so good, if it wasn't for pain"
50 Cent

Being prepared for the inevitable rainy day is always a great idea. Take a few minutes to plan and prepare for things that may concern you. If you live in a region where natural disaters are may occur, stock up on items that would be useful if one takes place.  An ounce of prevention is equaled to a pound of cure.  However, after you have done this, do not spend another second of your life worrying about whether this tragic event will or will not take place.  The time you spend worrying will only add negative energy into your life, and take away from the time you should be spending focusing on the wonderful things you do have.

2)  Things I can control

I have a friend, who everytime we meet up, talks about his difficulty making ends meet.  We live in a world where a great many of us are living paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes, in the absence of a solid financial plan, paying the bills can be a challenge.  Even with a plan, as the cost of living rises faster than our salaries, we should be regularly examining our plan to see if yesterday's plan meets todays needs.  So as I sit and listen to my friend, I asked him a simply question.  "You seem worried about money.  How is that working for you?"  He replied not so well.  Here was my advice to him.  I told him I wanted him to book an appointment with his wife for a couple of hours within the next few days, and schedule a time to sit down and look at his plan.  I then added that I wanted him to set up a weekly appointment time, one that must be kept, to discuss the financial needs and challenges they faced.  I then finished by asking that he not think about his money problems for one second outside of this regularly scheduled time.  Nowhere in the Websters Dictionary does it say "Worrying:   A proven technique to resolving ones problems"   All it does is lead to more problems.  Follow this step by step analogy of exactly how this happens.

Step 1 - The decision to worry

Worrying is something we choose to do.  It is not forced upon us.  Worrying is a conscious decision to focus on a negative part of our lives.  We choose to spend time thinking about these issues that worry us.

Step 2 - Thoughts lead to emotions

These thoughts directly drive our emotions.  These emotions consist of fear and anger amongst others.  These emotions can be described as that knot in your stomache, and they manifest themselves into physical symptoms such as headaches and nausea.  Hence the term "Worried sick".

Step 3 - Emotions lead to actions

These emotions and the physical symptoms they produce directly lead to our actions.  Whether you are someone that smokes when stressed, pops pain killers to deal with the headaches, takes a sick day from that ulcer that is acting up, eats junk food to feel better or drinks to escape, these emotions are directly related to whatever coping mechanism we use.

Step 4 - Actions lead to results

Actions based on negative emotions such as fear and anger give us negative results in our lives.  When sick we do not excel at our jobs or our lives.  When drinking or on pain medication or sleeping in we are not putting out that effort that is needed to accomplish great things...our results are directly impacted by our actions and negative actions will lead to negative results.

 Step 5 - Negative results lead to more worry and more negative thoughts

This cycle is nothing short of toxic and it consumes us and drags us into a rut.  When we perform badly due to the fact that we spent all of our time worrying about our problems instead of doing something about them in a productive manner, we will produce nothing more than MORE WORRIES.

The good news is that this cycle of worry and fear and anger and resentment does not have to continue.  You can choose TODAY to make positive change in your lives, by choosing NOT to worry.  Instead, book an appointment with yourself and your loved to sit down and discuss in a constructive manner how to solve this problem.  The amount of time and frequency of sit downs will depend on the scope of the issue itself.  Outside of that scheduled time, spend NO TIME OR ENERGY thinking about this problem.  Replace these negative thoughts with positive ones and experience the exact opposite cycle in your life; where positive thoughts lead to positive emotions and positive actions and positive results and more positive thoughts.  Find something you love, be it your children, a family pet or your favorite hobby and focus instead on things that put a smile on your face.

When we choose to stop worrying and stop focusing on the negative things in our lives, we unlock the power of positive thinking, and with this power, we can overcome any obstacles and begin that process of positive change in our life.

Early Is The New On Time

Traffic was terrible.  My son was sick this morning.  The power went out in my building.  We had no hot water when I woke up.  My car broke down.  I got pulled over for speeding.  I ran out of gas.  I couldn't find my keys.

Sound familiar?  Have you heard them all before?  Do you remember perhaps uttering any of these phrases once or twice?  Maybe more than once or twice?  O K so let’s face it, stuff happens right?  Sometimes we do everything right, wake up when we are supposed to, get out the door on time, and travel the same path to our destination that we do successfully every single day, and despite our best intentions and efforts, fail to arrive on time.  And sometimes, the power DOES go out in our building.  And sometimes, we DO misplace our car keys.  So for all of you who rarely show up late for anything, but from time to time find themselves a victim of Murphy's Law, read on only if you find my blogs so interesting you simply cannot close the page.  For the rest of you, who find yourselves anywhere along the time continuum spectrum between "pushing the on time boundaries" to "She'll be late to her own funeral", please read on and I hope you find one or two takeaways that will help you in the future.

I had a business associate once named Ania.  Ania was smart, she was talented and she could have been a valuable member of our business were it not for one issue.  Ania was late for EVERYTHING.  And it wasn’t 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there either.  A typical 6 o’clock meeting would see her clumsily and loudly stumble into the room at 6:30 or even 7:00, huffing and puffing, claiming how horrible traffic was getting there, or how awful her day had been.  And when the business was to open at 6pm, while people waited for the one with the keys to get there, Ania would often be anywhere from 1 to 2 hours late. It got to the point where it was comical and people would discuss which excuse she would use this time.  It also got to the point where we started having meetings without her present and we had to give the keys to someone else.  Imagine a business partner missing crucial meetings.  I spoke with her several times about punctuality to no avail.  It was simply hard wired into this girl’s brain to run behind schedule, and because of it, I shut down the partnership and closed the business.  One can simply not run a business with a person who shows such little respect for others that they cannot be on time.  

If you are like Ania, it’s important to determine why you a problem with being on time.  Ask yourself "Why am I always late?" and you will likely find that it stems all the way back to the core beliefs and values you were given as a child.  If your mother was always late for work or always rushing to get out the door and if your parents enabled you to always be late for school, you will quite likely carry these habits into adulthood.  How we relate to time, is how we were taught to relate to time as children.  But what we weren’t taught as children was exactly what it meant to be late for work, meetings or appointments.  We weren’t taught by our parents that being late for something meant that we considered OUR TIME to be more valuable that THEIR TIME.  We weren’t taught as children that for every meeting we are late to, someone is sitting somewhere waiting for us.  For every time we are late for work, others are picking up our slack doing our jobs.  For every time we are late for an appointment, a business is losing money and other clients are waiting unnecessarily. We weren’t taught that being late is a sign of disrespect.   Yet it is.  And our excuses, no matter how creative they may seem to us at the time, are more often than not completely transparent.  They have been used before.  Do you really believe your boss will believe that you live in the one part of town that sees record power outages?  How long before he suggests you buy a new alarm clock, or a key hook for your front door?  And people, traffic is not a new invention.  It has been around for a couple of years, and if you live in a large city like Toronto, it is part of life.  Showing up late for a meeting or an appointment and blaming traffic is laughable.  Sure the person that waited for you might be courteous and nod their head and smile, but trust me, under that smile they are at the very least questioning your excuse and at worst already deciding to write you off and move on.  It is no exaggeration to say that being late for a sales call or a job interview is the kiss of death.  When I was interviewing potential sales representatives for my business, late candidates were told right away that they missed their interview time and would not be considered for this position.
So what can we do to change?  Here are a couple tips:  

1.      Aim to be early – If you aim to be 15 minutes early for every appointment you will always be on time, even when small delays do occur.

2.      Call ahead – For those times when even 15 minutes wasn’t enough, be respectful enough to phone ahead to advise the person that you are being unexpectedly delayed.

3.      Start your day earlier – If you always find yourself running out the door at the last minute, set your alarm 30 minutes earlier every day.

4.      Use your cell phone alarm as a back-up  - For the times that the power does go out, have a contingency plan in place.

Understanding and appreciating the impact of our being late on others should be enough to help you want to change your ways.  Early really is the new on time.

GUARANTEED PATHWAY TO SUCCESS

If you don’t know where you are going, how are you going to get there?  Imagine having this desire to achieve something great.  You just know you are meant to do so.  You can just see the wonderful life that lies ahead of you.  Maybe you wish to own a beautiful home, or drive that new sports car you have always envisioned.  So you visualize it, you dream about it and you wait for it to happen to you.  Yet you have been visualizing and dreaming for awhile now, and it has yet to happen.  Why is that?  How can we turn our dreams into reality?  How can we truly achieve our GOALS?

Goal setting is a crucial part of realizing our dreams, yet something so many of us fail to do.  In the next few minutes of reading, I am going to explain to you the SMART System for setting goals, and then I am going to give you the secret to turning a great plan into reality.  If you follow this system and the secret to success, your dreams will come true.

SPECIFIC                     Goals must be very clear and specific.  There is no room for vagueness or  ambiguities.   Describe it in detail so you know exactly where you are going.

MEASURABLE              You must be able to know without a doubt how you are doing in attaining your goal.  Being rich is not measurable.  Earning $10,000 per month is.

ATTAINABLE                Don’t set goals you cannot reach.  Setting yourself up to fail will lead to all the negative emotions that come with it.  Make sure your goals are realistic.

RELEVANT                    Goals that are specific, measureable and attainable but not relevant to where you want to go in your life are useless.  Make sure all of your goals are in line with the success you wish to achieve.

TIME-BOUND                All of your goals must have time limits and should fall into the category of short term or long term goals with matching time boundaries.

OK so now that you understand the criteria to setting goals, it’s time to put into place a plan to achieve them.  First start by asking yourself the question, “Where do I want to be in a year?”  Make sure this is in relation to your goal.  For example is the goal is about losing weight, make sure your answer to that question is related to your weight loss.  This will give you a long term goal.  Next, ask yourself, what you need to do this month that will contribute to your reaching that long term goal.  This will be your month long goal.  For example, if your 1 year goal is to lose 60 lbs, then you know you must lose 5 lbs each month to get there.  Finally, ask yourself what you need to do this week to achieve your monthly goal.  To lose 5 lbs each month, you will need to lose 1-2 lbs per week.  At this time, make sure your goal fits the SMART criteria.  If 1-2 lbs per week is not ATTAINABLE, then you will need to re-examine the monthly goals and inevitably your one year long term goal. 

So you now have a long term SMART goal, along with the short term goals to get you there.  Are we done?  Nope.  It is now time to break your weekly goals into ACTION STEPS that will get you there.  These ACTION STEPS are things you will do every day that will help you achieve your weekly goals.  So sticking with weight loss, an action step for today might be “Eat at home, no restaurants.” or “Do 30 minutes of physical activity.” or “No alcohol.”  These daily action steps will be the steps needed to attain your goals, and easily manageable day by day.  No matter what your goal, make sure that your daily action steps get you to where you are going.  Also, assign a points system to your daily action steps.  Each action step is worth 1 point.  Achieving the step, give yourself a point.  Failing to achieve it, deduct a point.  Work towards getting 25 points per week.  This is approx 4 points per day.  4 daily action steps each day towards your goal, will, with no doubt, see you achieving your goals each week and month and subsequently, you will achieve your long term goal.

Lastly, I said at the beginning of this blog post, that I will also give you a secret which will guarantee your success.  This system of SMART goal setting, along with daily action steps as described above works, there is no doubt in that.  However it only works if you hold yourself accountable to the system, and if you are like some people, accountability is often where the train gets derailed.  Therefore, the secret is to find someone in your life that WILL hold you accountable.  For me, this is a coach.  Like some people have personal trainers, I have a coach that is not only holding me accountable but also assisting me in the setting of my goals.  I currently have 4 long term goals that I am working towards.  I also have monthly and weekly goals which if followed will guarantee my success in my long term goals.  And of course my daily actions steps keep me on track each day, with my coach holding me accountable.  Now to fail, I would have to lie to myself and my coach, neither of which I intend on doing.  Will there be difficult days?  Sure of course there will.  And for those days I will have my coach to help me get through.  Your coach need not be a professional like mine, but you will need someone to hold you accountable.  Sometimes your best bet is someone close to you with like minded goals.  Sometimes it is someone not too close to you, who will push you when you need it.  Whoever that is, if you truly want to succeed, this system, combined with accountability from a coach or a friend, is your pathway to success.

Forgiveness is a Gift You Give yourself

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”

                                    Tony Robbins

Have you ever been wronged?  How about betrayed?  Maybe you have been hurt, physically or emotionally.  Perhaps the term stabbed in the back fits.  Most of us can relate to all of the above.  Pain and misfortune are a part of life, and inevitably, there will be those times when the person that causes us this pain is someone closest to us.  And there will inevitably be those times when the betrayal is so hurtful that it ends a relationship and leaves with it emotional scars that will be felt for years to come.

There have been those times in my life.  Some happened in the distant past, and some in the not so distant.  One in particular still haunted my thoughts and dreams up until very recently.  The level of betrayal by someone closest to me was unspeakable, and for almost two years, I struggled to come to terms with what happened.  For almost two years I held onto the rage, the hatred and the feelings of self pity that always accompanied them.  I remember sitting down with a mentor several weeks ago, a friend who I can turn to and discuss even the darkest of thoughts safely.  He said, “Jeff, you are going to have to let go of this at some point.  Just forgive him and move on.”

As a trainer and coach of others, I was quite familiar with the concept of forgiveness.  I have spoken to many groups and discussed this very topic.  I had also engaged in debates with people as to whether or not they could or should forgive the most serious of offenders in their lives.  I have helped others let go of their anger and hatred of some pretty terrible people.  But this, well this was different wasn’t it?  I mean, what this man had done to my family, this level of betrayal, it must be different right?  This person must be one of those rare cases where forgiveness was not possible.  But who was I hurting?  Did I expect that my anger would somehow punish my transgressor?  If not, then who was being punished? 

“Jeff.” said my mentor, “Stop being the victim.  Stop allowing this person to continue to victimize your family.  He has a hold on you that until you release, will continue to affect your life and the lives of those closest to you in negative ways.  Stop talking about this, stop thinking about this and forgive him once and for all and move on.” 

Anger clouds wisdom.  Emotions can often blur even the most obvious of remedies.  The law of emotional intelligence states that when emotions go up, intelligence goes down.  Thankfully, I surround myself with people who can remind me when I stumble of just how important it is to stay on the path, trust the processes I teach others and continue to eliminate one by one, the toxic influences and energies in my life. 

I didn’t forgive right there, on the spot.  Forgiveness is a personal thing and is often best done in private.  Instead I scheduled myself some alone time later that evening to reflect and do my work.  Forgiving this person, does not mean I forget what he did.  It does not mean I once again allow this person into my life.  It doesn’t even mean I am obligated to advise him that he has been forgiven.  What it means is I will let go of my rage, let go of my pity and let go of the mental and emotional hold that he still had on me and my family.  So I sat down, legs crossed and visualized my ex-best friend sitting across from me.  And aloud, I began to say, “I forgive you for betraying me.  I forgive you for putting my children’s lives at risk.  I forgive you for...” and with each statement, the weight on my shoulders I had held for almost 2 years began to lift.  It was a process, one that I chose to do a few times to really purge the negativity, but I can tell you that weeks after this process, I rarely think about him, and when I do, the emotions that emerge and their levels have changed completely.  No longer does hatred or rage emerge.  Sure there is some sadness, and maybe one day I can work on that too.  Or maybe I will hold onto just a little bit of that sadness to remind me to stay on the path and trust the process when things seem darkest.

Now ask yourself.  Who do YOU need to forgive?