You Look Very Nice Today

“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel they have not said enough.”

― Mark Twain

Who doesn't love a compliment.  It makes us feel good about ourselves...it makes us feel special, for a brief moment...it gives us confidence, self esteem and puts a little swagger in our step.  Complimenting someone is a great way to spread positive energy.  When someone is down, a well placed word of praise or encouragement can completely turn around someone’s day...However, for some, a compliment is difficult to receive.

“That’s a really beautiful dress.”

“Oh this old thing?  It’s nothing special.”

Many people have difficulty receiving compliments.  In fact, some people downright hate them.  How receptive we are to receiving compliments, in many cases, reflects how we feel about ourselves.  A sense of low self esteem or self worth tends to get in the way of the compliment, because it contradicts the way we feel about ourselves.  For these people, compliments make them feel uncomfortable and confused...This discomfort and confusion often leads people with low self esteem to seek out friends and relationships in which their own views of themselves are supported...relationships in which emotional, verbal and often physical abuse is present.  In many cases being emotionally and verbally chopped down aligns with their own views and feelings of self worth, and although it hurts at the time, it causes less discomfort than being around people who prop you up with compliments and positive energy...More often than not, this stems from a childhood in which this type of abuse was present in the home...Truth is if you are told through your childhood that you are worthless, you will believe it...you will then seek out relationships in your adult life that reinforce these views...

So what can we do about it?  Well first and foremost, for those parents out there reading my blog, please understand that you are on the front lines of your children’s emotional well being.  It all starts with you.  So it is important that you begin by understanding your own sense of self esteem and self worth.  There are cycles in all things in life and our ability to parent is directly related to how we were parented when we were children and will directly impact our children's ability to parent down the road.  Understanding what makes you tick will go a long way to stopping the cycle of low self esteem. 

For example, if you suffer from any form of addiction, whether it be alcohol, drugs, gambling etc, it is important to understand the effect this has on your children’s self esteem.  These effects stem largely from two main behavioral traits associated with addiction.  The first is the fact that your children come to understand very quickly that they take a back seat to your addiction.  Promising a trip to the park and then putting it off because you are on your 6^th beer and have your friends over lets the child know exactly where your priorities lie.  By putting the addiction first, the children question their value and this leads to low self worth.  The second behavioral trait is the mood swings that accompany addictions.  These mood swings are drastic.  One minute, when you are down and awaiting a drink or a fix, you are grumpy, quick to anger, lashing out for what seems like no reason...then suddenly, once your thirst is quenched, you become their best friend, ready to play games with them, telling them how much you love them over and over again...These two extremes confuse the children...they begin to think that your moods are related to them...that your lows are their faults...they crave the highs, but these highs are too extreme and only temporary...These ups and downs, which will be present in virtually every addiction, have a very strong effect on your children’s self esteem and make no mistake about it, are a form of emotional abuse. 

Children with low self esteem are also often the victims of bullying at school.  Whether it is because they don’t take as good of care of their appearance, don’t excel at sports or academics or suffer from depression or anxiety, these children often make the perfect targets, once again creating a life where compliments are few and far between.  It is no wonder they have difficulty receiving them.  Combine the time children spend at school being bullied and at home being abused, and you can quickly understand why they grow up believing they are worthless, and in a great many cases turn to substance abuse themselves, hence continuing the cycle.

Now ask yourself a question.  Are you comfortable with the knowledge that your children’s future, which is in your hands, will be one in which they will feel low self worth? If you aren’t, then it’s time to stop the cycle.  The moment is now.  It is time to begin complimenting your children instead of knocking them down.  It is time to be a part of the solution instead of part of the problem.  If you are in the midst of an addiction, or if you suffer from low self esteem, you need to seek help.  .  There are more than enough resources, programs and therapists out there to help you change your life and the future of your children and grandchildren.  Understand that failing to address the root cause of your own behavior, your self esteem issues and your own substance abuse, will not effect positive change in your life or the lives of your children.  You can't just say, "Hey Jimmy you can be anything you want to be buddy." and then go hit the crack pipe.  

For those currently in abusive relationships, living with someone with substance abuse problems or suffering from your own addictions, whether you are current or future parents, its time to put an end to this cycle.  Its time to protect the children.  Its time to put them first.  Get help now.  Future generations of your blood line are counting on you.

 

Are You Likeable?

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20’s, I remember very well sitting in my dad’s office in Mississauga, where one of the most important conversations of my life took place...I had just started working for my dad, and was having difficulty navigating the corporate landscape...apparently, some people were complaining about me and truth be told, I had no idea what the problem was...

“People just don’t like you Jeff.” Dad advised me.

“Well that’s their problem.  I’m nice to them.  I’m not rude.  I don’t know what their issues are but I don’t care if they like me of not.  They can all go **** themselves for all I care” I replied with the cockiness and arrogance of your typical 23 year old that had just triggered his father in any way you can imagine.  “I mean, what is their problem?” 

 

“The problem is you’re an a**hole.” my dad interjected with his usual subtle approach.

You see, back then, Dad and I had a dicey relationship.  I triggered the hell out of him and he knew just the look or cutting words that would shut me up...but this time, I wasn’t going to just quietly walk away, bruised ego, tail between my legs, to my office where I would sit in that angry hurt place that didn’t accomplish anything...no way, today I wanted to know WHY my dad had just called me an asshole.  So I toughed it out and asked him what he meant.  In the following half hour or so I got some of the best advice I had ever received from my father and it stuck with me.  Here are some of the things my dad said to me that day.

#1 – Try and go a whole day without saying the words “I” or “me”...my first reply was “I can do that” lol...which pretty much meant I was going to struggle with this task.  That day he explained to me that people in general really don’t care about you...I’m not talking about your close friends and family, of course they care and want to know about your day and your life but when it comes to others, like coworkers, acquaintances and people you are meeting for the first time, trust me when I say that the vast majority of them would rather spend all of their time talking about themselves than listening to you do the same.  God gave us 1 mouth and 2 ears...which might mean it would be good to listen twice as much as we talk...and it isn’t enough to just talk less about yourself, it really helps to pay close attention and show general interest in what others have to say...ask questions about them and ask them to elaborate when they tell you something about themselves.  When you show a sincere interest in others, and not spend your time checking your watch or your email or glancing at your phone every 30 seconds, people will appreciate it...make eye contact and maintain it...who knows, you might even learn something...and knowledge is power...especially if you find yourself in any business dealings with that person down the road. 

#2 – No matter how good your story is, never tell one that is better than the other persons.  This was golden...how many times have you seen it happen, or has it happened to you...One person tells a story, for example, about the fish they caught that day, or the party they went to the night before, and then without missing a beat, another person “one up’s” them...What that second person is really saying is that “oh great story and all, but mine is better so I’m gonna tell you right now just how much better and totally kill your vibe”...and that is exactly what it does...it takes the wind out of that first person’s sail...maybe it shouldn’t, maybe in a perfect world, we could just high five each other with sincerity, but in the world we live in, competition is everywhere...and the easiest way to hurt someone’s feelings is  to dismiss their story by telling a better one...Instead, bite your tongue, high five them for a great story, even if to you it isn’t so great, and avoid the temptation to one up them.

#3 – Don’t be disagreeable...Whether or not you agree with someone, it isn’t necessary for you to share it...Especially when the conversation revolves around things of a serious nature such as religion or politics, which by the way are great topics to avoid altogether...sometimes it’s ok to simply nod your head and listen...This doesn’t mean that you have to compromise your morals or ethics, it simply means, pick and choose your battles...does this new person you just met at a party or business or networking function really need to be told they are wrong in their beliefs,  just because you disagree with them?  It also doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.  Instead, gently change the topic to something more positive and less controversial in nature.  If the person doesn’t want to, make an excuse to end the conversation and politely move on to less choppy waters.

#4 – Don’t come on too strong...I’ve been told I have a good sense of humor...I have been told I can brighten up a room and make people laugh...this doesn’t mean I have to do it the second I arrive...it doesn’t mean I have to do it all day and night...sometimes it’s good to give others the spotlight, and just STFU...I’ve learned to STFU over the years, and pick my spots...Sometimes, a half dozen well placed humorous comments are much better than playing the role of the stand up comedian all night...leave them wanting more...and this will also avoid stepping on the toes of the other self professed comedians in the room...now all that being said, sometimes when you are fire, just go with the flow, especially if the other guy isn’t getting the job done! 

These are just 4 of the suggestions that my dad gave me that day...And over the years I have always tried to remember that it is good to be likeable...Likeability opens doors...it makes friends...it means that when people talk about you when you AREN’T around, they will generally be saying nice things...And when you consider the alternatives, well, I am sure you get the point.  Things with my dad by the way have never been better.  We’re BFF’s for sure!  Gone are the days when my dad needs to call me an a**hole...but I suspect that if I ever needed to hear it, he’d be happy to get me pointed back in the right direction!!  And that’s ok with me!

Trusting The Process

There are certain things that we know to be true in life.  For example, we know that if we fill up the ice cube trays and put them in the freezer, we will have ice cubes.  We know this to be true because we have seen it happen time and time again over the course of our lives.  Inherent wisdom has taught us to trust the process of turning water into ice cubes.

The word PROCESS is defined as a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end.  In the opening example. the steps and the end are very clear.  Fill the ice cube tray, place it in freezer and wait 1-2 hours and you have ice.  Unfortunately in life, some processes are not so simple.  Some processes require multiple steps, can take much longer than 1-2 hours and results may vary or be more difficult to realize than frozen water.  This is why it is important in these cases to TRUST THE PROCESS.

When I coach business owners or their employees on the art of trusting the process, I always start with determining the desired end result, or what is commonly referred as the goal.  If the goal is to increase sales, I work with the client to implement a plan of action aimed at increasing sales.  Over the course of the following 3-6 months, providing that the client implements the plan and trusts the process, the desired results are achieved.  In this case, the plan of action made sense to the client which made trusting the process relatively easy and the results, with benchmarks that would show almost immediately, were achieved in a short period of time.

What about processes that are not so easy to understand, with results that are not so easy to see and may take months or years to achieve?  Is trusting the process in these cases easy?  What if the goal is simply to be happy, or to raise emotionally healthy and well balanced children?  Could there really be a process to achieve such results?

The answer is yes.  The question is what are you prepared to do to achieve the most important results of your life.  Results that break the cycles of negativity that have plagued you and your family for generations.  Results that will ensure that you don't pass onto to your children or future children the toxic behaviors and reactions to triggers that have caused you to struggle to find happiness in your life.  

Each persons future journey is as unique as the path that has gotten them to this point in their lives. so I cannot begin to describe yours in a blog.  I can however help guide you towards your path.  The first step, just as it was for that business owner who wanted to increase sales, is to find yourself someone to help guide you towards success.  A life coach, a counselor or a therapist are great resources.  They will help you put a plan of action in place that will achieve the desired results.

In many cases the journey will not be easy or short.  If you have a past with physical or psychological trauma or substance abuse in your family, parents who fought every day or who were emotionally absent from your life, the path may be long and filled with obstacles.  There will be truths to realize, secrets to expose and damaged relationships to heal, but once you start down the path, the most important advice I can give you is to TRUST THE PROCESS!!  

Trust that replacing negative thoughts with positive ones will make you happier.  Trust that learning to control your emotions when triggered will improve your health.  Trust that treating others the way you would like to be treated will improve your relationships.  Trust that exploring your past will help brighten your future.  Trust that forgiving those that have done you wrong will lighten the burden on YOUR shoulders.  These are all part of the process.  If you trust it, make baby steps every day, let others help pick you up when you fall, forgive yourself when you aren't perfect and never give up even when the days are darkest, YOU WILL, without a shadow of a doubt, make positive changes in your lives and the lives of those around you.

Positivity Is The Key

Happy New Year everyone, I hope that 2014 brings you everything you dream of and desire...I also hope you continue to read and enjoy my blog...It brings me joy knowing that you accompany me on my journey of continuous improvement and growth, and as long as I see the views continue to rise (up over 1000 now) I will keep writing.

One of the resolutions I made a few years ago, which I am proud to say I continue to follow to this day, is to be aware of the company I keep.  If you've read my blog in the past, you will recognize the term Debbie Downer, and you know that I believe that surrounding yourself with positive people in your life will bring positive results...this is why for the most part, I now limit the exposure I have to people in my life that drag me down...the result has been wonderful, not only due to the absence of drama in my life, but it also created a void, which seemingly filled automatically with the type of people that I want to attract...so in essence, as cut throat as it sounds, I traded up...and it happened without a whole lot of effort.  The law of attraction states that like attracts like...therefore negative energy attracts negative energy and positive energy attracts positive energy.  Simply by limiting my exposure to negative energy, I have seen first hand, the influx of more positivity in my life.

This brings me to a story...During the holidays, I was sitting in the car with my daughter Jordan, when I asked her what her plans were for New Years Eve...the past few years there has been a circle of friends that would gather during special occasions, and I wondered if maybe she would be joining them...she explained to me that she really didn't like hanging out with them anymore.  I asked her why, and her response was that a couple of them were starting to be mean to people, and she didn't like it.  I asked if they were mean to her, and she said no, just that they were being mean to others and she didn't like hanging out with them anymore.  Now I knew this wasn't easy for her, as it kinda meant walking away from the popular crowd, so I asked if she was ok..."Yeah Dad," she replied, "Their loss."

I sat back later that night, thinking about what had happened...For those with daughters reading this blog, I am sure you know just how tough it can be socially as they approach their pre-teen and teenage years. Clicks are formed, friendships are strained and the pressure of growing up is so severe that many of her friends, at the tender age of 12 have turned to self destructive behavior such as cutting themselves and in one case, attempted suicide.  So to hear that my little girl is eliminating the negative people in her life, at the age of 12, makes me prouder than I can put into words.

The next day, I wanted to tell her this...it isn't always easy getting the attention of a 12 year old girl...so I try and pick my spots...I figured I needed about 10 minutes...

"Jo...do you have a minute?"

"Yea Dad, just let me update my Instagram account." she replied.

"What Instagram account?", I asked.

"Oh you should follow me Dad...My profile name is INSPIRING_QUOTES54321...I try to inspire others."

Yea, I thought as I smiled...she's gonna be just fine!!

New Years Resolutions

Sitting in the car Christmas Day with my 12 year old daughter Jordan, having one of our regular hilarious conversations, I swear she is destined for stand up comedy, when she proclaims to me the following...

"Daddy," she says.  "You will be so proud of me.  I have started using the treadmill, and I plan to use to it for an hour every day from now on."

"Sweetheart, that is great news."  I replied, as I went into a not so lengthy diatribe (lengthy ones are typically met with disapproval) about the benefits of physical fitness to the heart, body and mind. 

Sure enough early the next day, I watched as she set her timer, put on the Family Channel, jumped on the treadmill and ran her little heart out to a Good Luck Charlie Christmas Special.  The next day I watched as she again, although with slightly less exuberance, did her hour on the treadmill.  Day three, well that was a little different.

"Did you get your treadmill time in today honey?"  I asked around dinner time.

"No not today Daddy, I was feeling a little sick."

Sensing an opening, I asked a simple question..."An hour every day is a lot isn't it?"

"Yeah."

Now truth me told, it pained me to great lengths that first day to not counsel her at least a little bit about goal setting and biting off more than one can chew etc etc, but I decided that day not to rain on her parade even a little bit.  But now was the right time to help clarify to her what she had learned all on own...a little debrief with my daughter if you will.  She has now decided that her life is far to busy with friends, school, IPhones and IPads, sleeping and eating to find an hour every day to use the treadmill.  30 minutes, 3 times a week however, well she figures she can squeeze that in. 

My point is two fold.  First and foremost, as the New Year passes and we all decide on our resolutions, don't go overboard on it.  Start small.  Something you can keep, and grow if you find that its working for you.  If you go big, you might find yourself stopping before you even get it off the ground.  Second and perhaps most importantly, it's ok to NOT push our kids in what we feel is the right direction EVERY TIME we have a chance to do so.  Inherent wisdom comes from failing and trying again.  Encourage them, and then take the opportunities to help them learn from their own failures.  Simply asking them the right questions can help them find their own way.

Thanks for reading my blog in 2013...Have a safe and happy New Years and I look forward to seeing you all again in 2014!!

Sometimes I get so angry that I want to ...

Have you ever wondered why you do the things that you do?  Have you wondered why certain things that happen in your life, cause certain emotional outbursts?  Have you ever wondered why these outbursts can seem extreme and impossible to control?  If you do, I have good news and bad news...The good news, is that you are normal...yup, perfectly normal, just like the rest of us who all experience emotional triggers, don't understand why and have difficulty controlling them.  The bad news is that until you understand why this is happening to you, you will never be able to control them, and the dynamics of the relationships that they are affecting will never change. 

Before I get to the four stages of personal growth that come into play in identifying, understanding and overcoming our emotional issues, lets start by setting a couple ground rules.  Rule number one is that we are all a little messed up...Even The Beaver, with what seemed like perfect parents, has his issues...So to understand the process, its important to know that everyone can use a little personal growth.  For those of you who are perfect, had perfect childhoods and don't need any guidance, please feel free to close your browser, turn on the Brady Bunch and watch what must have been a complete replica of your early lives.  For the rest of us messed up, perfectly normal individuals who would like to understand why we sometimes have trouble controlling our emotions, please feel free to read on.

Rule number two is admitting that we all have triggers.  Triggers, just like on a gun, are things that happen to us in our lives that send us immediately into an emotional state that exists outside of the normal day to day range.  I am not talking about ups and downs, I am talking about sudden spikes where anger turns to rage, where we say or do things that we later regret.  This is the spot we cannot control and this is the spot that affects are lives in negative ways. 

With all of that being said, there are four stages of personal growth that once we decide to embark upon the journey we will all go through...here they are...

Stage 1 Unconscious Incompetence - This is the beginning of the journey...this is where we have no control over our emotional outburst (Incompetence) and we have no idea they even exist (Unconscious)...In this stage, we blame others for the conflicts we are in.  We take no responsibility for them at all.  We are completely unaware that they even exist and we live our lives playing the victim role, generally going from one relationship to the next, having difficulty making friends and keeping friends because after all, they are all crazy.

Stage 2 Conscious Incompetence - If you have made it to stage 2, congratulations.  Give yourself a pat on the back and be proud of yourself, for you have decided to fix what is broken and get on the path of continuous improvement.  But don't break your arm in doing so because you have a long ways to go.  In this stage, you are still messed up (Incompetence) but at least you know it (Conscious)...In this stage, you have stopped blaming the world for your problems.  You have started to become accountable for your actions...You now get it...You now understand what your triggers are and how they are affecting your life.  Unfortunately you still aren't able to do anything about it.  The reason is that the triggers are still controlling your emotions, and because of this, at the time of the trigger, you forget everything you learned.  You still act out in rage, throw stuff, yell at people or if you are the passive aggressive type, you withdraw and give people the silent treatment...you don't yet know how to clean up your messes, but at least, once the smoke clears, you can reflect back and see the part you played.

Stage 3 Conscious Competence - In this stage, you are now totally accountable for your actions.  You understand why you react (Conscious) and you have started to catch yourself and correct the behaviour (Competent).  The time between trigger and accountability / correction isn't necessarily instantaneous, but the initial reactions are milder than they used to be, and you clean up your messes.  You apologize for your part, communicate with those involved and often its "water under the bridge" in no time.  Relationships are healthier, arguments are over quicker and everyone involved is happier for it.  Once you reach this stage, you are in much better control of your emotions, and angry outbursts, although still possible, are few and far between and over quickly.

Stage 4 Unconscious Competence - This is the end of your journey.  You now find yourself not even reacting to things that used to send you off the charts.  You are no longer a slave to your triggers and it is no longer necessary for you put any effort into correcting the behavior.  You are as cool as a cucumber.  Congratulations, you are now the Dalai Lama.

Now ask yourself, are you in stage 1?  If so, what are you waiting for?  There are tools out there for you to begin the personal improvement process and start understanding what it is that makes you tick and what is stopping you from finding happiness in your life.  These tools will help you to start loving yourself and making room for others to love you back.  Its the 21st century and personal growth is for everyone.  Good luck!!   

Donated to Goodfellows again today...

First of all, this isn't a pat myself on the back posting to tell all my readers what a great guy I am, and get a bunch of replies telling me so...well not entirely anyways, and remember, flattery will get you everywhere...But I did want to take a few minutes to tell you about something that happened to me this morning...Like many people I know, I always make sure I give to Goodfellows as soon as I see one of their representatives, usually wearing nice warm "I'm ready to go fight a fire" apparel...I hand them whatever loose change I have, loonies, twoonies...hopefully totalling around $5 so I can feel like I really gave this year.  Then I put the Goodfellows newspaper on the dash to proudly display that Yes, I, Jeff Wilder, did my part this year to help those less fortunate than myself.  Or this is what I tell myself.  Truth be told, I display the newspaper for the same reason most people do.  To avoid having to give again.  Now don't feel bad if you do that too...I mean at least you gave once right?  Some people don't give at all...and we know who you are by the glaring absence of the newspaper on your dash.  Yes the newspaper...oh how proud I am to display it...just to show others how decent a human being I am...so here I am, this morning sitting at Tim Hortons, in the drive through, my paper visible upside down in the reflection of the wind shield, when I spotted the following headline...

"Without Local Charity, There Could Be No Christmas"

How sad I thought to myself.  No Christmas?  Are people in that dire straits that Christmas might be canceled?  That is when it hit me, and I am a little ashamed to admit it.  I have been so caught up lately in my own trials and tribulations that I forgot just how bad of shape the city of Windsor is in.  Numbers for October came in at 9%, the 2nd highest unemployment rate in the country.  And with the recent announcement of Heinz closing next year, the jobless rate in Essex County and Windsor will go even higher...No Christmas?  Well its great to see an organization such as Goodfellows, and all of these amazing volunteers, doing what they do for the city of Windsor and Essex County.

They say charity begins at home, and even though there are a great many less fortunate that need our help overseas, the Philippines for example, we should not forget our neighbors, friends and other members of our very own community.  So what do you ask did I do about it?  Well I did two things.  First I removed the newspaper from my smug dashboard, so that I may be greeted by more Goodfellows Volunteers...then a few minutes later, I found one..."pssst...they're everywhere!"...and gave him some actual paper money...and then when he offered me a paper in return, I declined, saying I already have one...His reply "Well you should put it in on your dash so we stop bothering you!"  You aren't bothering me my friend...and thank you for what you are doing for the city!!